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Bumper Jokes that made Will and Guy Laugh

A collection of jokes, one-liners, short stories and funny pictures. Each page has a bumper selection of funny but clean humour.

Funny Pictures

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Jokes, One-liners and Funny Stories

Cat at peace - Aren't they always!

Selection from our joke pages

a) A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?'

'Well', replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'

b) The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

c) Ford had a problem naming a car in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for 'tiny male genitals'. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

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Gender Differences

An English teacher wrote the words, 'Woman without her man is nothing' on the blackboard and asked the students to punctuate so that it made sense.

The boys wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.'

The girls wrote: 'Woman! Without her, man is nothing.'

Short Story - Mine's A Pint

A man walks into a pub and asks the barman for a pint of bitter.
The barman says, 'Bitter's off just now, we're waiting for the dray and a delivery.'

The man says, 'OK then, I'll have a rum and coke.' After drinking his rum and coke, he goes back to the bar and asks again for a pint of bitter.
Once again the barman says that they don't have any, so the man orders a screwdriver.
He drinks his screwdriver. He then goes back and asks yet again for a pint of bitter.

The barman says 'Look, if you take the rum out of a rum and coke, what do you have?' The man replies, 'Coke.'

'If you take the vodka out of a screwdriver, what do you have?' The man replies, 'Orange juice.'

'Now, if you take the flame out of a pint of bitter, what do you have?' The man looks puzzled, 'There is no flame in a pint of bitter.' The barman replies, 'That's what I've been trying to tell you!'

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Those Wanting to be Married

Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?' Father Henry requested.

Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Donation - Funny Irish Joke

Father O' Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can.'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do'

'Is he a member of your congregation?' He is'

'Did he donate �*10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Retirement Speech Jokes, Also Suitable for Appraisals

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He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This man has delusions of adequacy.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; buy she only gargles.
When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

Finally: Thinking Man - A little Reading is Dangerous

The husband had just finished reading the book 'Man of the House.'

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said,

'From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

His wife replies, 'the funeral director would be my guess'

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