Irish Jokes and Funny Short Stories

Many a Funny Irish Joke

The first section are one-liners while the second section are funny short stories.  Enjoy a good Irish Joke with Will and Guy.

• Short Irish Jokes - One liners
• Funny Irish jokes
• Funny Short Irish Stories
• Readers' Irish Jokes

1) Short Irish Jokes - One-liners

i) The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

ii) The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink.'

'Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.' said O' Flaherty.

iii) An Irishman arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick. 

'No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'

'That's terrible, how did that happen?'

'The cork fell out of me bottle.'

1a) More examples of a funny Irish joke

• Where were you going when I saw you coming back?
• I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.
• 'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
• 'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
• 'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
• 'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of thet ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
• 'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'
• 'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'

Things that only the illogical Irish would say:

1. 'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'
2. 'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'
3. 'Spread out in a bunch.'
4. 'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget. 'I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary.

Funny Irish jokes - Will and Guy's Favourite Short Irish Jokes

Will and Guy take the view that the equivalent of an 'Irish joke' has existed since the dawn of times.  It's as though every culture has independently developed this genre for spinning yarns and telling jokes.  Even Belgium, not a country noted for its humour has 'Walloon Jokes'.

2) Digging a Hole

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

'Tell me, 'said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'

'Well, 'said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole.

Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'

3) The Irish arrive in America

An Irishman arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick. 

'No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'

'That's terrible, how did that happen?'

'The cork fell out of me bottle.'

4) Englishman, Frenchman and Irishman - A Classic Irish Joke

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.

'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'

'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Frenchman, 'My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'

'That's really incredible, 'drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'

5) Two Irishman meet a Suisse tourist

A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks,  'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'  

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.

'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français ?' he tries.

The two continue to stare.

'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent.

The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood.  One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'

'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!'

6) O'Shaughnessy needs time off - Irish humour at its best

Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'

Funny Short Irish Stories

Of all countries, Ireland probably has the richest seam of story tellers.

7) Texan visits Galway

A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.'

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.  Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, 'Yes, 'and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back.  The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?'

Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'

8) Old Flame?

An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asks her, 'Ma'am did you know that you were speeding?'

Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells out, 'He says you were speeding!'
The Garda said, 'May I see your license, please ma'am?'

Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, 'What did he say?'

Once more, Mick, shouts out, 'He wants to see your license!'

Irene gives the policeman her driving license.

The Garda retorts, 'I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.'

For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells very loudly, 'He thinks he knows you!'

9) Look to The Moon

Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub.  Paddy says to Seamus, 'What a beautiful night, look at the moon.'

Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, 'You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun.' Both started arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk walking in the other direction, so they stopped him.

'Sir, could you please help settle our argument?

Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?' The drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them, and said,

'Sorry, I don't live around here.'

10) Catholic Dog - Irish Story

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think €*5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'

* € or Euro converts to an American dollar, more or less, to the nearest approximation.

11) Donation - Irish Story

Father O' Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can.'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do'

'Is he a member of your congregation?' He is'

'Did he donate €*10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

12) Could be worse

I first met O'Reilly when I was in St Peter's Hospital, Chertsey, England. He was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me when I awoke early on that Friday morning.

I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation.

However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to visit O'Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:

'What happened to you?' asked Callaghan.

'I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op's plate glass window,' mumbled O'Reilly.'

'Begorrah,' exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, 'It's a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'

13) The Fame of Red Adair (Overheard by Denis)

At the height of the gulf wars, the expertise of Red Adair (that well known fire fighter) was called upon to go out to the gulf and put out the oil rig fires.

On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. 'Isn't that Red Adair'?  The other replied, 'No'.

The old boy then said, 'I'm sure it is and I'm so sure that I will bet you a pint if I am wrong'. The doubting one said, 'Ok' and they both went over to Red and the one said, 'Are you Red Adair'? to which Red said he was.

The doubting Irishman said, 'Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers'?

14) Two heads are better than one

An American tourist travelling in County Clare came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 200 Irish punts ($350), the skull of Brian Boru*.

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Brian Boru himself.

Fifteen years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains.

'I've got the very thing for you, 'said the shopkeeper, 'It's the genuine skull of Brian Boru.'

'You cheat, 'exploded the American, 'You sold me that fifteen years ago, 'and producing the skull added loudly, 'Look, they're not even the same size.'

'You have got it wrong, 'opined the seller, '' This is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a lad.'

* Brian Boru (940 to 1014) managed the rare feat of uniting Ireland.  In a turning point in the war with the Vikings, Brian Boru defeated the Viking leader Ivar in single combat.  Not only was Brian successful in battle, but he also had at least 4 wives and founded the O' Brien clan.

15) Paddy counts his Rabbits

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Paddy: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.

Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!

16) Funny Irish Jokes Kindly Sent by Readers

It's an Irish Puzzle

Doolin bought himself a jigsaw puzzle with 20 pieces. It took him a month to fit the pieces together correctly. He thought this was terrific, but his mate O'Reilly said, 'What's the big deal?'

Doolin said,' Well it said on the box: 4 to 6 years.'

The Last Word

I met a man the other day named Flanagan and I said, 'You're a happy man.'
He said, 'I am.'

I said, 'Why?'

'Well,' he said, 'the Income Tax people have been after me for 20 years, driving me mad, to get money out of me, driving me crazy with worry. But, this morning I got a letter from them and it said: FINAL NOTICE.'

'Thank God,' he said, 'I won't be hearing from them again.'

Fair Verdict
In an Irish courtroom 12 men sat on the jury.  After the trial, the Judge asked for their verdict.
'We find the man who stole the horse "Not Guilty",' said the foreman of the jury.

Thanks to Roberta for sending in these classic Irish jokes.

Footnote:
Please write to Will and Guy if you have a funny Irish joke.

See more St Patrick's Day jokes and funny Irish stories :

● St Patrick's Day   ● Guinness video   ● Irish blessings   ● Irish jokes   ● Irish stories   ● Logic   ● Dogs

● Irish drinking jokes   ● St Pat's classics   ● Driving stories   ● Short Irish Stories   ● Moon   ● Home

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