Even though O'Malley was a licensed scuba diver, he finally got an answer
to a question that had annoyed him for decades.
Here it is.
Harold, an American tourist, asked his friend Murphy, 'Why do Scuba
divers always fall backwards off their boats?'
To which Murphy replies, 'If they fell forwards they'd still be in the
flippin' boat.'
Funny Announcement from Dublin
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths are planning to close lanes 5 and 6.
Mick and Paddy Visit London
Mick and Paddy were walking in Covent Garden in London. It was their
first week in the capital and they were a bit na�ve.
'Lord above Paddy, this is a great city,' says Mick. 'Why's that
Mick?' responds Paddy.
'Well, to be sure,' explains Mick, 'where else in the world would a
complete stranger come up to you, make idle chat, invite you to dinner and
then offer you to spend the night at their house?'
'Begorrah, ' splutters Paddy, 'did that happen to you?' 'No,' says
Mick, 'but it happens to my beautiful sister all the time.'
First Irish Farmer: My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.
Second Irish Farmer: Did you shoot it in the hole?
First Irish Farmer: No, in the head.
An Amusing Waterford Wife
A Waterford wife, Pauline, was keeping a close eye on her new neighbours.
'They seem perfectly devoted to each other,' she opined to husband, Ryan.
'He kisses her every time he goes out and even blows kisses to her from the
window. Why don't you do that?'
'But, I hardly know the woman,' was Ryan's reply.
ф
The Irish in Space
Donncha and MacArthur are preparing to be blasted into space and have
just left the mission briefing when one turns to the other and says, 'Mac,
where are we goin?'
MacArthur replies, 'Well Donncha, the man in charge said we are on a
mission to the sun.'
'OK,' says Donncha, he thinks for a while and then asks, 'Won't it be a
bit hot, it being the sun and all?'
'Don't be stupid, Donncha,' says MacArthur, 'the man said we'd be going
at night.'
Irish Mothers Chat
Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.
Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and
he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.'
Lorna responds, 'Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he
not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of
liquor in all that time.'
'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.'
'I am,' announces Lorna, 'And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to
throw him a big party.'
The Irishman and The Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton
Street, Dublin, when, O'Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're
making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.'
'I'm sorry sir, I...........'
'Not you,' says O'Leary, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.'
Sean Muldoon loved his dog, Willy, and he walked the dog constantly
through town.
When Muldoon and Willy would go on their walks, they would stop to talk
to just about everyone they met along the way. Naturally, everyone in town
eventually knew both Muldoon and Willy. This went on for years.
One sad day Old Sean Muldoon went on his usual walk, but this time he
walked all alone without Willy.
Patrick O'Halloran was the first to spy Old Sean without his faithful
companion. 'Where's Willy?' asked O'Halloran.
'Tis a sad day 'tis, Patrick,' replied Muldoon. 'I had to put poor ol'
Willy down, I did. I loved that dog dearly.' 'Oh no,' cried O'Halloran,
'Did he go rabid? Was he mad?'
'Well, he was none too pleased,' replied
Muldoon.
Snakes in Ireland
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland,
what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes.
I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.
'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday
he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's
about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought
a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
'I'd like some nails', Mick requested of the ravelling tinker. 'How long would
you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said
Mick.
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'
I first met O'Reilly when I was in St Peter's Hospital, Chertsey, England. He
was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me
when I awoke early on that Friday morning.
I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with
just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in
conversation.
However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to
visit O'Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:
'What happened to you?' asked Callaghan.
'I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit
me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op's plate glass window,'
mumbled O'Reilly.'
'Begorrah,' exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, 'It's a good job
you were wearing all those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'
The Fame of Red Adair (Overheard by Denis)
At the height of the gulf wars, the expertise of Red Adair (that well known
fire fighter) was called upon to go out to the gulf and put out the oil rig
fires.
On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took
advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the
bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. 'Isn't
that Red Adair'? The other replied, 'No'.
The old boy then said, 'I'm sure it is and I'm so sure that I will bet you a
pint if I am wrong'. The doubting one said, 'Ok' and they both went over to Red
and the one said, 'Are you Red Adair'? To which Red said he was.
The doubting Irishman said, 'Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers'?
Nasty Case of Arthritis
A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is
stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of
gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins
reading.
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, 'Say, Father,
what causes arthritis?' Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol;
and contempt for your fellow man, 'answers the priest.' I'll be
damned, 'the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologises.'
I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How long have you
had arthritis?'
'Oh, I don't have it, Father. But it says here that the Pope does.'
Addendum This yarn sums up Irish humour: irreligious without being offensive.
The Irish have a gift form making an illogical argument funny.
I Dream of Erin Isle
Whenever I dream, It seems I dream Of Erin's rolling hills Of
all its lovely, shimmery lakes And little babbling rills. I hear a
colleen's lilting laugh Across a meadow fair. And in my dreams It
almost seems To me that I am there O, Ireland! O, Ireland! We're
Never far apart For you and all your beauty Fill my mind and touch my
heart.
An American lawyer inquired, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask
an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?' 'Who told
you that?' asked Paddy.
An Irish lass, a customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the
window?' Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin'
in the vase on the mantel piece?' 'No,' said himself, 'but I'm
gettin' closer all the time.'
'O'Halloran,' asked the pharmacist, 'did that mudpack I gave you
improve your wife's appearance?' 'It did surely,' replied O'Halloran,
'but it keeps fallin' off.'
Footnote:
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