These one liners capture the best of Irish humour. They are even funnier
if you read them out load, or better still, tell them to friend in a thick
'Ah, that was a lovely dress,' announced Colleen, 'and it would have
fitted me if I could have got into it, so it would.'
O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.
After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not
guilty.' 'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to
keep the money?'
Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a
headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest
'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the
two of them in one grave.
Donncha is shocked at finding out all his cows are suffering from
"Bluetongue." 'Bejabbers,' Donncha murmurs, 'I didn't even know they had
Murphy lost a hundred dollars on the Melbourne Cup, a famous
Australian horserace. He also lost another hundred on the television
I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.
'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday
he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's
about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought
a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
Things that only the illogical Irish would say:
'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'
'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'
'Spread out in a bunch.'
'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget. 'I'm leaving them out
till I get used to them!' said Mary.
'That's my lot,' said McCarthy leaving the dentist's. 'I've
just had all my teeth out - never again!'
'That's my lot,' said McCarthy leaving the dentist's. 'I've just had all
my teeth out - never again!'
O'Callaghan was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his
wife, 'Hurry up or we'll be late.' 'Oh, be quiet,' replied his wife.
'Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a
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