Man Jokes - Bumper Page

Will and Guy's Man jokes and funny stories

'My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.' Rodney Dangerfield

Here is our page of free, clean but funny man jokes.

• Man Jokes, One-liners
• Story about how Dylan was shown-up at his local Supermarket
• Gender Differences
• Man Jokes - Welsh Husbands
• Men Are Just Happier People
• New Tuesday Evening Classes for Men
• Drive Through ATM: Male / Female Procedures
• Story of a Poor Man in the Dog House
• Philosophical Man Jokes

Man Jokes,  One-liners

Did You Know?

(1) In a recent poll held in the USA, American men and women were asked if they would marry the same person if they had it to do all over again.

80% of the men responded that they would marry the same woman.

Interestingly, only 50% of the women responded that they would marry the same man. Oh dear!

(2) Gamophobia is the fear of marriage.

(3) 'When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence.  When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.' - Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

(4) Men who never get carried away should be.  Malcolm Forbes

(5) The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.  Margo Kaufman

Man Joke: Story about how Dylan at his local Supermarket.

Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big 'hello'.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can't place where he might know her from, so he says, 'Sorry, do you know me?'

She replies, 'I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children'

Dylan's mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, 'Blimey!' he says, 'Did we meet on Frank's stag do in Newport?  Dylan continued, 'When I got out of the police station and got back to the hotel room you had gone.'

No, 'she replies, 'I'm your son's English Teacher'

Names of the characters in this man joke have been changed to protect the guilty.

Gender Differences

An English teacher wrote the words, 'Woman without her man is nothing' on the blackboard and asked the students to punctuate so that it made sense.

The boys wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.'

The girls wrote: 'Woman!  Without her, man is nothing.'

How do you decide who to marry?

You've got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Martin, age 10.

How would you make a marriage work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Nathan, age 10.

Man Jokes - Welsh Husbands

A Welsh lad came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

'Wonderful, 'replies his mother, 'what part is it?'

The boy says, 'I play the part of the Welsh husband.'

The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.'

Footnote As a Welsh husband myself, I can vouch for the truth of the above scenario.

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. ! Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ' do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

New Tuesday Evening Classes for Men

All are welcome - Open to men only

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants.  The course lasts for 4 weeks and topics covered in this course include:

Week One of Evening Classes for Men

1) TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

2) DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKETS AND FLOOR

Practising with hamper (pictures and graphics)

3) DISHES & CUTLERY; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts

4) HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

5) LOSS OF VIRILITY

Losing the remote control to your significant other
- Help line and support groups

6) LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming
- Open forum

Week Two - Evening Classes for Men

7) EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

8) HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation

9) REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

10) IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

11) LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

12) HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

13) REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN you're GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

14) GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available

Week 3 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of  week 1

Week 4 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of week 2

Drive Through ATM: Male / Female Procedures

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

Male Procedure:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

Female Procedure:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.  Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
4. Tell person on mobile 'phone you will call them back and hang up.  Attempt to insert card into machine.
5. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.  Insert card.
6. Re-insert card the right way.
7. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
8. Enter PIN.
9. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
10. Enter amount of cash required.
11. Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
12. Retrieve cash and receipt
13. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
14. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
15. Re-check makeup.
16. Drive forward 2 feet.
17. Reverse back to cash machine.
18. Retrieve card.
19. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
20. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you
21. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
22. Redial person on cell phone.
23. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
24. Release Parking Brake.

Wash it Again

My mother had decided to trim the household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, 'Just think, Ivor, we are five pounds richer because I washed this dress by hand.'

'Good', my dad quickly replied. 'Wash it again.'

Story of a Poor Man in the Dog House

In January, Zdzislawa Bukarowcza, a seventy-five year old Polish man from Scinawa, lived in a dog's kennel for three weeks.  It was all the work of his zona*, Mrs Bukarowcza, her reason for dishing out this punishment was because Zdzislawa repeatedly came home drunk.

She chained him to the kennel and fed him on dog food;  Zdzislawa was given water from a dog bowl.  At night the temperatures often dropped to minus 20 degrees Celsius.

Pani Bukarowcza told reporters that she was sick of him wasting all their money on vodka. His drinking companions, worried by his non-attendance in the pub, eventually freed him from his imprisonment and called the police.

* Zona is Polish for wife.  Pani means Mrs in Polish.

Philosophical Man Jokes

'At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.' PG Wodehouse

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. Samuel Butler

Man has to suffer. When he has no real afflictions, he invents some. Jose Marti

'The man who lets himself be bored is even more contemptible than the bore.' Samuel Butler

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.  Bertrand Russell

P.S. Please write to Will and Guy if you have any good Man jokes.

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