Funny Retirement Jokes and Funny Stories

Will and Guy's Funny Retirement Jokes and Stories for Leaving Speeches

A definition of retirement: You get up in the morning with nothing to do, and go to bed at night having only done half of it.

• Guy's Favourite Retirement Joke
• Retirement One-liners
• Albert's Leaving Presentation
• A. A. A. D. D. - Classic Retirement Syndrome
• Retirement Speech Jokes
• Retired Husband at Tesco
• Collection of Funny Retirement Stories
• Three old men
• Another Funny Retirement Story
• Retirement sing along to the tune of 'My Favourite Things'

Guy's Favourite Retirement Joke

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

Wife: 'What are you doing dear?' 
Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'

Wife: 'How do you know which gender they were?'
Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone'

Seven Retirement One-liners to Work into Your Leaving Speech

1. Active socially: Drinks heavily.
2. Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
3. Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
4. Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
5. Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
6. Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
7. Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.

Three More Helpful Retirement Jokes

• The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. George Foreman
• There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter F. Drucker
• I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy. Danny McGoorty, Irish Pool Player

Albert's Leaving Presentation

Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.  So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.

A. A. A. D. D. - Classic Retirement Syndrome

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque (check) book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.

I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

• The car isn't washed
• The bills aren't paid
• There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface
• The flowers don't have enough water
• There is still only one cheque in my chequebook
• I can't find the remote
• I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

PS. I just remembered, I left the water running......................................

Addendum
The main problem Will and Guy have encountered collecting funny retirement jokes, is that by the nature of the subject, most people have forgotten the funniest retirement stories.

Memory Test

Three elderly men, Eddie, Jenkin and Martin men go to the doctor's for their memory test.  It's a miracle they remembered the appointment!  Anyway, the doctor begins by asking Eddie, "What is five times five?"
"191," is his reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to Jenkin, "It's your turn. What is five times five?"
"Wednesday," replies Jenkin man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay Martin it's your turn. What's five times five?"
"Twenty five," says Martin.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get your answer?"
"Easy," says Martin, "just subtract 191 from Wednesday."

Retirement Speech Jokes, Also Suitable for Appraisals

1. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
2. She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
4. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. This man has delusions of adequacy.
6. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; buy she only gargles.
7. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

The Story of The Retired Husband at Tesco

Dear Mrs. Marsh,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Joseph Marsh has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr Marsh have been compiled and are listed below:

Memo: re - Mr Joseph Marsh

Complaints - Things Mr Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store:

1. June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolley's when they weren't looking.
2. July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in household department to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets.
4. July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 5' in fruit and veg..... and then watched what happened.
5. September 14: Moved a ' CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he' d invite them in for a cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. September 29: When a shelf stacker asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and demands, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion.
9. December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme tune.
10. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ' Pick me! Pick me!'
11. December 23: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams, 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!'
12. And; last, but not least!
13. December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here!'

Do you think that Mr Marsh's retirement story is a true story, or a hoax?  Will and Guy are not sure.

Bob's Funny Retirement Story

Bob's Story has been moved to its own page

Priceless Antique?

Claire, after retiring from a busy life in business, travels around the country visiting antique shops trying to find bargains.

One day she goes to an antique shop in Stratford upon Avon, England. Here, Claire speaks to Victoria, the shop's owner, 'When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it.'

'Sorry,' replied Victoria, 'but I can't possibly sell you that.'

'Oh, what a pity, but why not?' inquired Claire.

'Because,' said the owner, 'that's my husband.'

Three Old Men

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

'I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business' , declared the first man.

'Fifty years from now, 'said the second, 'I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man' .

Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, 'So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?'

'Me?' the third man replied. 'I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'

Classic Proposal

Charlie, aged 86, was very contented living in the Clarendon Nursing Home just outside Stubbington, Hampshire, England. After meeting Maisie, 77, he grew even happier and fell deeply in love. Only last week Charlie plucked up the courage, got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her.

Maisie smiled and replied, 'Alright.'
Charlie asked softly, 'Will you marry me?'

Delighted, Maisie answered him, 'Yes.' She then asked Charlie what his second question was.
He replied, 'Maisie, will you help me get up, please?'

Grandma's Pizza Delivery

Another Funny Retirement Story

Will and Guy are led to believe that the following job application is a real one submitted by an elderly retired gentleman aged 74, to a national DIY retailer in Ipswich, Suffolk, UK.  Word is that they have employed him.

We have changed the name to protect the guilty.

NAME: Brian Walker [also known as Grumpy Bastard].

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 [$295,000 USD] a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: ....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

You Can't Keep a Good Old 'un Down

Rosa and Arthur, now well into their 80's, went to breakfast at Bert's Café where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' murmured Rosa. 'But I don't want eggs.'

'Then I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering à la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' Rosa spluttered.

'Yes.' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then.' Rosa eventually decided, smiling at Arthur.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and still in the shell,' Rosa answered with a glint in her eye.

Rosa took the two eggs home.

Moral of the story: You can't keep a good old 'un down.

How to Spend Semi-Retirement

Now I'm in semi-retirement and growing older, I thought that I might rationalise my days and present my findings in a simple pie chart. This is what my day looks like pictorially:

Footnote:
You can also write to Will and Guy if you have any funny retirement jokes or stories from leaving speeches.

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