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Funny Retirement Jokes - Bumper Page |
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Will and Guy's Funny Retirement Jokes and Stories for Leaving SpeechesA definition of retirement: You get up in the morning with nothing to do, and go to bed at night having only done half of it.
∇Guy's Favourite Retirement JokeA woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. Wife: 'What are you doing dear?' Wife: 'How do you know which gender they were?' Classic Funny Retirement Jokes'The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.' Anonymous He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which. Douglas Adams 'I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.' Charles Lamb. 'When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.' R C Sherriff. 'Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.' Will Rogers, Autobiography, 1949. 'It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.' Scott Elledge. 'When one door closes, another one opens, but we often look so long and regretfully at the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.' Alexander Graham Bell. 'Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then this parting was well made.' William Shakespeare. 'Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time.' Malcolm Muggeridge 'A man is known by the company that keeps him on after retirement age.' Anon 'There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!' Groucho Marx 'I've lit the blue touch paper and found there's nowhere to retire to.' Doctor Who ¤Seven Retirement one-liners to work into your leaving speech
Three more helpful retirement jokes
Aging ProblemsVisiting Doctor Ross last month Paula, a long retired schoolteacher, explained in some detail her problems while he listened very patiently. 'Now, Paula,' said Doctor Ross, 'you say you have shooting pains in your neck, aching knees, frequent dizzy spells, and constant nausea. Just for the record, how old are you?' 'Ah, yes,' Paula spoke brightly, 'I'll be 49 on my next birthday.' 'Really?' commented the doctor quietly, 'I see you have slight memory loss, too.' Albert's Leaving PresentationToday we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary. A. A. A. D. D. - Classic Retirement SyndromeRecently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself: As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my chequebook off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered. I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day:
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. PS. I just remembered, I left the water running……………………………….. Addendum Retirement Speech Jokes, Also Suitable for Appraisals
♦A ConfessionA priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little leaving speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.' Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech. 'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, 'said the politician.' In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession.' Retirement Question and Answer SessionQuestion: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Question: How many days in a week? Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Lost in his own back yard?One day a police panda car pulled up to Granny's home and Grampy got out. The constable explained that this elderly gentlemen had said he was lost in the Victoria park. 'Why, Ivor, 'said Granny, 'You've been going there for over 30 years! How on earth could you say you had got lost?' Leaning close to Granny so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, 'Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.' Retired Husband at TescoDear Mrs. Marsh, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Joseph Marsh has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr Marsh have been compiled and are listed below: Memo: re – Mr Joseph Marsh Complaints - Things Mr Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store:
Do you think that Mr Marsh's retirement story is a true story, or a hoax? Will and Guy are not sure. Bob's Funny Retirement StoryDear Friends It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I got laid off from my consulting job and took ' early retirement' in March, it became necessary for Nadine to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell; instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nadine is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even
three days. That way she won't
have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nadine on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile. Signed Bob. Bob's funeral was on Saturday, April 25th Nadine was acquitted Monday, April 27th. Retire from Golf?'How was your game, dear?' Jacqui asked her husband, Tony, after he had returned from playing golf. 'That's not surprising,' Jacqui replied. 'After all, you are 76 years old, Tony. Why don't you take my brother Stewart along?' The next day Tony teed off with Stewart looking on. Tony swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. 'Can you see it?' demanded Tony. 'Well, where is it?' Tony asked, peering off into the
distance in search of the ball that was now out of his eyesight range. Some People Never Retire
Priceless Antique?
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