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Will and Guy's Funny Retirement Jokes and Stories for Leaving Speeches

A definition of retirement: You get up in the morning with nothing to do, and go to bed at night having only done half of it.

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Guy's Favourite Retirement Joke

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

Wife: 'What are you doing dear?' 
Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'

Wife: 'How do you know which gender they were?'
Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone'

Classic Funny Retirement Jokes

'The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.' Anonymous

He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.  Douglas Adams

'I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.' Charles Lamb. 

'When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.' R C Sherriff.

'Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.' Will Rogers, Autobiography, 1949.

'It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.' Scott Elledge.

'When one door closes, another one opens, but we often look so long and regretfully at the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.' Alexander Graham Bell.

'Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then this parting was well made.' William Shakespeare.

'Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time.' Malcolm Muggeridge

'A man is known by the company that keeps him on after retirement age.' Anon

'There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!'  Groucho Marx

'I've lit the blue touch paper and found there's nowhere to retire to.' Doctor Who  

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Seven Retirement one-liners to work into your leaving speech

  1. Active socially: Drinks heavily.
  2. Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
  3. Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
  4. Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
  5. Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
  6. Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
  7. Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.

Three more helpful retirement jokes

  • The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. George Foreman
  • There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter F. Drucker
  • I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy. Danny McGoorty, Irish Pool Player

Aging Problems

Visiting Doctor Ross last month Paula, a long retired schoolteacher, explained in some detail her problems while he listened very patiently.

'Now, Paula,' said Doctor Ross, 'you say you have shooting pains in your neck, aching knees, frequent dizzy spells, and constant nausea. Just for the record, how old are you?'

'Ah, yes,' Paula spoke brightly, 'I'll be 49 on my next birthday.'

'Really?' commented the doctor quietly,  'I see you have slight memory loss, too.'

Albert's Leaving Presentation

Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.  So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.

A. A. A. D. D. - Classic Retirement Syndrome

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.retirement jokes and signs

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my chequebook off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.

I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

  • The car isn't washed
  • The bills aren't paid
  • There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface
  • The flowers don't have enough water
  • There is still only one cheque in my chequebook
  • I can't find the remote
  • I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

PS. I just remembered, I left the water running………………………………..

Addendum
The main problem Will and Guy have encountered collecting funny retirement jokes, is that by the nature of the subject, most people have forgotten the funniest retirement stories.

Retirement Speech Jokes, Also Suitable for Appraisals

  1. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
  2. She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
  3. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
  4. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  5. This man has delusions of adequacy.
  6. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; buy she only gargles.
  7. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
 ♦

A Confession

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little leaving speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech.

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, 'said the politician.' In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession.'

Retirement Question and Answer Session

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: Six Saturdays, One Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Lost in his own back yard?

One day a police panda car pulled up to Granny's home and Grampy got out. The constable explained that this elderly gentlemen had said he was lost in the Victoria park.

'Why, Ivor, 'said Granny, 'You've been going there for over 30 years! How on earth could you say you had got lost?'

Leaning close to Granny so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, 'Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.'

Retired Husband at Tesco

Dear Mrs. Marsh,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Joseph Marsh has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr Marsh have been compiled and are listed below:

Memo: re – Mr Joseph Marsh

Complaints - Things Mr Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store:

  1. June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolley's when they weren't looking.
  2. July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in household department to go off at 5 minute intervals.
  3. July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets.
  4. July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 5' in fruit and veg..... and then watched what happened.
  5. September 14: Moved a ' CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
  6. September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he' d invite them in for a cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
  7. September 29: When a shelf stacker asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and demands, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
  8. October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion.
  9. December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme tune.
  10. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ' Pick me! Pick me!'
  11. December 23: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams, 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!'
  12. And; last, but not least!
  13. December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here!'

Do you think that Mr Marsh's retirement story is a true story, or a hoax?  Will and Guy are not sure.

Bob's Funny Retirement Story

Dear FriendsFunny Retirement Story

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I got laid off from my consulting job and took ' early retirement' in March, it became necessary for Nadine to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell; instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.

Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Nadine is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.Funny Retirement joke

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nadine on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Signed Bob.

Bob's funeral was on Saturday, April 25th

Nadine was acquitted Monday, April 27th.

Retire from Golf?

'How was your game, dear?' Jacqui asked her husband, Tony, after he had returned from playing golf.
'Well, I was hitting the ball pretty well, but my eyesight's got so bad I couldn't see where it went,' Tony answered.

'That's not surprising,' Jacqui replied. 'After all, you are 76 years old, Tony. Why don't you take my brother Stewart along?'
'Because he's 87 and doesn't play golf anymore,' Tony commented dryly.
'I know, but he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch the ball for you.' Jacqui added.

The next day Tony teed off with Stewart looking on. Tony swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

'Can you see it?' demanded Tony. 
'Yeah,' Stewart said smiling.

'Well, where is it?' Tony asked, peering off into the distance in search of the ball that was now out of his eyesight range. 
'I forget.' mumbled Stewart.  See more Golf Jokes here

Some People Never Retire

  • Golfers never retire, they just lose their drive
  • Lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away
  • Accountants don't retire, they just lose their balance
  • Bank managers don't retire, they just lose interest
  • Vehicle mechanics? They re-tyre every day
  • Teachers don’t retire, they just mark time
  • Roofers don’t retire, they just wipe the slate clean
  • Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings
  • Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off
  • Musicians never retire, they just decompose
  • Farmers never retire, they just go to seed
  • Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down
  • Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties
  • Painters never retire, they just put a gloss on it
  • Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out

Priceless Antique?Retirement Joke - Antique

Claire, after retiring from a busy life in business, travels around the country visiting antique shops trying to find bargains.

One day she goes to an antique shop in Stratford upon Avon, England. Here, Claire speaks to Victoria, the shop's owner, 'When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it.'

'Sorry,' replied Victoria, 'but I can't possibly sell you that.'

'Oh, what a pity, but why not?' inquired Claire.

'Because,' said the owner, 'that's my husband.'

Three Old Men

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

'I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business' , declared the first man.

'Fifty years from now, 'said the second, 'I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man' .

Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, 'So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?'

'Me?' the third man replied. 'I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'

Classic Proposal

Charlie, aged 86, was very contented living in the Clarendon Nursing Home just outside Stubbington, Hampshire, England. After meeting Maisie, 77, he grew even happier and fell deeply in love. Only last week Charlie plucked up the courage, got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her.

Maisie smiled and replied, 'Alright.'
Charlie asked softly, 'Will you marry me?'

Delighted, Maisie answered him, 'Yes.' She then asked Charlie what his second question was.
He replied, 'Maisie, will you help me get up, please?'

Grandma's Pizza Delivery

Grandma Retirement Jokes

Another Funny Retirement Story

Will and Guy are led to believe that the following job application is a real one submitted by an elderly retired gentleman aged 74, to a national DIY retailer in Ipswich, Suffolk, UK.  Word is that they have employed him.

We have changed the name to protect the guilty.

NAME: Brian Walker [also known as Grumpy Bastard].

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman [or at least one who will cooperate].

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 [$295,000 USD] a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: ....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Same Class?

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate hanging on the wall; it gave his full name. Thinking hard, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 36 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. 

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. 'Yes,' he replied.
'When did you graduate?' I asked.
He answered, 'In 1971. Why?'

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, and then the thoughtless idiot asked, 'What did you teach?'

You Can't Keep a Good Old 'un Down

Rosa and Arthur, now well into their 80's, went to breakfast at Bert's Café where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' murmured Rosa. 'But I don't want eggs.' Retirement stories - You can't keep a good old 'un down

'Then I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering à la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' Rosa spluttered.

'Yes.' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then.' Rosa eventually decided, smiling at Arthur.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and still in the shell,' Rosa answered with a glint in her eye.

Rosa took the two eggs home.

Moral of the story: You can't keep a good old 'un down.

Retirement sing along to the tune of: 'My Favourite Things'

You remember: the tune from 'The Sound of Music'

Rennies and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Zimmers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,

Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,

When the bones creak,

I simply remember my favourite things,

And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy meals or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads, hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains and no fear of sinning,

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,

More of the pleasures maturity brings-

When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

I simply remember the great life I've had,

And then I don't feel... so bad.

How to Spend Semi-Retirement

Now I'm in semi-retirement and growing older, I thought that I might rationalise my days and present my findings in a simple pie chart. This is what my day looks like pictorially:

Semi Retirement Joke

Footnote:
Please write to Will and Guy if you have any funny retirement jokes or stories from leaving speeches.

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