Funny Retirement Speeches
Here are ideas from which you can flesh out to create a wonderful farewell oration for a colleague.
Top Ten Quotes Suitable For A Retirement Speech
One for luck: I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. - Gene Perret
Three elderly men, Eddie, Jenkin and Martin men go to the doctor's for
their memory test. It's a miracle they remembered the appointment!
Anyway, the doctor begins by asking Eddie, "What is five times five?"
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to Jenkin,
"It's your turn. What is five times five?"
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay Martin
it's your turn. What's five times five?"
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get your answer?"
Will and Guy's Ten Clean and Short Retirement Speech Funnies
You Are Probably Retired If....
Will claims he particularly suffers from numbers 3, 4, and 5.
How even a nervous, first-time
Retirement is a time
Retirement - means you now can spend more time to spend in visiting doctors!
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little leaving speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'
Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech.
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, 'said the politician.' In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession.'
'I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business', declared the first man.
'Fifty years from now, 'said the second, 'I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man' .
Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, 'So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?'
'Me?' the third man replied. 'I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'
Charlie, aged 86, was very contented living in the Clarendon Nursing Home just outside Stubbington, Hampshire, England. After meeting Maisie, 77, he grew even happier and fell deeply in love. Only last week Charlie plucked up the courage, got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her.
Maisie smiled and replied, 'Alright.'
Delighted, Maisie answered him, 'Yes.' She then asked Charlie
what his second question was.
How many retirees to change a light bulb?
A group of Americans was travelling on a bus tour through France and were in the Loire Valley quite near to the town of Sancerre. They stopped at the nearby village of Chavignol and visited a cheese farm where the world famous 'Crottin de Chavignol' goat's cheese is made; their guide, who was the farmer's wife, led them through a process of cheese making, explaining how goat's milk was used.
Madame showed the group a picturesque hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. Madame then asked, turning to the group, 'What do you do in the USA with your old goats that aren't producing?'
One spry and very quick elderly gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours.'
Now I'm in semi-retirement and growing older, I thought that I might break-down my time and present my findings in a pie chart. This is what my day looks like pictorially:
Ideal Poem For a Retirement Speech
You wake up in the morning
Jon Bratton 2009
The basic idea is to convey the significance of the retirement milestone with a humour and an eloquence that suits the occasion.
Firstly welcome everyone to the function; especially the most senior members of the organization. Tell the assembled company something about yourself which will introduce you to the guests who do not know you particularly well.
Compliment the ceremony itself and perhaps comment on the food or decor. Inject some humour by relating events in the planning of the retirement party that you found funny.
Talk about the retiree fondly and amusingly and anecdotally. Have a couple of stories that are perhaps touching or amusing. Be sure not embarrass anyone. Talk about their achievements and your special relationship. Talk about some of the standout moments in their career, make sure the star of the event is conveyed as an unforgettable individual.
Retirement Speech Check List
Two More Poems To End Your Retirement Speech
Dust If You Must
Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better
Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
Dust if you must, but the world's out there
Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
And So Finally Farewell
A sunbeam to warm you,
May you always have work for your hands to do.
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