Short Jokes

Will and Guy's Short Jokes

Here is a page of our free, clean funny short jokes and one liners.  Enjoy Will and Guy's bumper selection.

Funny Short Joke Sections

• One Liners
• Short Jokes - School Excuse Notes
• Short Jokes - Schoolboy Howlers
• Short Jokes - Milkman's notes

One Liners

1. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
2. A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.
3. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
4. If all is not lost, where is it?
5. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
6. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
7. It was all so different before everything changed.
8. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
9. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
10. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
11. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
12. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
13. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
14. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
15. Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get
16. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
17. 'stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand and ' lollipop' with your right.
18. A ' jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
19. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
20. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
21. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
23. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
24. The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.
25. The words 'racecar', ' kayak' and 'level' are palindromes. They read the same whether you read them left to right or right to left.
26. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
27. There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.'

Short Jokes - School Excuse Notes

• Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
• Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
• Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Short Jokes - Schoolboy Howlers

Here are Will and Guy's favourite schoolboy howlers.  These are funny answers to exam questions, were culled by teachers reading through 1,000s of answers.  Here are their moments of fun amid tedious schoolboy writing.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but another man of that name.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.

The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus'

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses then went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Gravity was invented by Issaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Short Jokes - Milkman's notes

Sadly the milkman like the coalman and travelling butcher is dying out, so Will and Guy are pleased to have preserved these notes left for milkmen.

1. No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
2. Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
3. Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
4. From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
5. Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
6. My back door is open. Please put milk in ' fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
7. Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
8. Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
9. Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
10. Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

More Funny Short Jokes

P.S. Please write to Will and Guy if you have any funny Short jokes.

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