Woman Jokes - Bumper Page

Will and Guy's Woman Jokes and Funny Pictures

Here is a page of our free, assorted, funny Woman jokes.  The first section has one-liners, while the second section features short stories.  At the bottom of the page are funny pictures of women drivers.  Enjoy the best of Will and Guy's woman jokes.

• Woman Jokes - One liners
• Woman Jokes and Funny Short Stories
• Woman Jokes - Picture Section

1) Woman Jokes - One Liners

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'

'I never know how much of what I say is true.' Bette Midler

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.  Margo Kaufman

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.  Alice Thomas Ellis

'It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.' Tallulah Bankhead

Note:
Guy is happily married to Pauline, and Will happily married to Stephanie.  We consider ourselves gentlemen.  In the 'old days' we found some women jokes, and many blonde jokes, in poor taste.  However, we consider that political correctness pendulum has swung too far the other way, and we are in danger of missing out on a rich seam of humour because the politically correct bandwagon seeks to ban all women jokes.  Will and Guy continue to tread the middle ground where we will publish women jokes that we think are funny, but not offensive.

If you take political correctness to its logical conclusion, men would want to ban 'man' jokes like the following Rita Rudner quip, however, Will and Guy can laugh along with Rita without any thought of taking offence.

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.  Rita Rudner

2) Some Marriage Math(s):

1. Smart man + smart woman = romance
2. Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
3. Dumb man + smart woman = affair
4. Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
5. Smart boss + smart employee = profit
6. Smart boss + dumb employee = production
7. Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
8. Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Some Psychology

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Reverse Psychology?

Iris, my sister-in-law, is a long distance lorry driver. She decided to get a dog for protection for the long days and nights that she was away from home. As she studied a likely candidate, the breeder told her, 'I must warn you that he doesn't like men.'

'Perfect', Iris thought and promptly bought the dog.

Some time later as she was leaving a transport café, two men approached her, in the car park, and Iris watched to see how her new 'bodyguard' would react. It soon became clear that the breeder hadn't been joking, because as the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car and hid. 

See more funny dog jokes

3) More Marriage Advice

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
2. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
3. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
4. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
8. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
9. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
10. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
11. A woman has the last word in any argument.
12. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
13. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

If you have any clean 'Woman' one-lines please send them to Will and Guy

Women - Words of Wisdom

Woman Jokes and Funny Short Stories

4) Beer Test

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. -- No further testing is planned.

Political correctness had developed a momentum all it own.  My greater concern is bullying, I am against all forms of bullying both at work and in school.  However, I do believe that areas, which are considered politically incorrect, can still be used for a joke - and this page is one of them!

5) It's All in the Name

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'

6) Men Are Just Happier People - Sickening eh!

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• You can never be pregnant.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• Your underwear is $9.95 for a three-pack.
• You never have strap problems in public.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You! are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• Everything on your face stays its original colour.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

7) New Female Maths - 710

Yesterday I was having some work done on my car at the Ford dealer. 

While I was talking to Bert, the Mechanic, a woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.... We all looked at each other, and the Bert asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there.'

Bert gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, 'Is there a 710 on this car ?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

Now check the photo to learn what a 710 is.........

8) Love Affair?

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, 'I will then give you 6 days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. 

The judge said, 'What is it?'

The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'

9) There's no fury like a woman scorned!

On the first day Margo packed all her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.  On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.  On the third day, Margo sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each an every room and deposited few half-eaten anchovies dipped in caviar down the curtain rods.

When Margo's husband Ralph returned with his new girlfriend Tracey, all was bliss for the first few days.  Then slowly, the house began to smell.  They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.....Nothing worked.  People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.  The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, Ralph and Tracey could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. 

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then Margo called Ralph, and asked how things were going and he told her the saga of the rotting house.  She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, Ralph agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.  She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later Ralph and Tracey stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home - including the curtain rods! 

Footnote
We have heard variations of the above story several times.  While it does seem to be based on a true story, with suitable embellishments, this woman's joke would seem to be entering the realms of an urban myth.

10) Is Romance Dead?

Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting his rather large garden hedge after work, so Dave went straight over to Brian's home. When they got to the front door, Brian went straight up to his wife, gave her a big hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her excellent cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Brian said that he' d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Dave thought he' d give it a go.

When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Dave was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, 'This is the worst day of my life. First, little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!'

Woman Jokes - Picture Section

Half Price Sale 21 Miles ----> Fresh Water 400 yds.  Which way will she go!

Expensive Divorce

Mr Toskana has had an expensive divorce and now needs the money  SALE NOW ON!!

Man Hoover?

Woman Driver Jokes - How did She do THAT

Our question is how did the woman explain parking the car?

As ever, Will and Guy try to alter names and pictures to protect the guilty - Even Woman drivers!

Wife's Revenge

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner

I Love You?  Mixed Message

But I hate your car?

Finally:  Thinking Man - A little Reading is Dangerous

The husband had just finished reading the book 'Man of the House.'

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said,

'From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

His wife replies, 'the funeral director would be my guess'

More Woman Jokes

P.S. Please write to Will and Guy if you have any good woman jokes.

See more clean woman jokes, funny stories and amusing PowerPoint Presentations

● Home   ● A woman should know   ● Woman jokes   ● Body parts   ● Women live longer

● Good wife    ● Perfect woman    ● Scottish wife    ● Marriage bureau    ● Wedding jokes

● Boys and Girls    ● Women & cars    ● Car you deserve    ● Toys 4 Girls    ● Makeup    ● Wife carrying

● Man jokes    ● Sisterhood    ● Women's day    ● Maths 710    ● Brains?    ● Clean women jokes