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Tommy Cooperisms

I'm on a whiskey diet. I have lost three days already.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said: I want a skip outside my house. He said: I'm not stopping you.

I became a member of The Secret Seven. It's so secret, I have no idea who the other six are...

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.