Burns night celebrates the birthday of Scotland's finest poet. Robert Burns was born on 25th of January 25 1759. His father, William Burness was a tenant-farmer in Alloway near Ayr.
Burns is often known as Rabbie Burns. Burns died in Dumfries on 21st of July, 1796.
It was only when researching these Scottish jokes that we remembered how dour, and mean the Scot's can be. Before people complain about stereotyping, all Will and Guy can say is that the material was provided by a
Scotsman! This reveals that while Scots have elevated whinging to an art form, they have not lost the ability to laugh at themselves.
Cheap and cheerful lodgings A lodger in a
Scottish guest house in Milngavie, near Glasgow, was on his way to the bathroom carrying his shaving gear, when the landlady stopped him and said, 'Have you got a good memory for faces, Mr MacGregor?'
'Och
aye,' Mac replied.
'That's just as well,' she said, 'because there's no mirror in the bathroom.'
Hostile Natives MacTavish visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didnae feel that the
natives were friendly.
'At 4 o'clock every morning,' he told a friend, 'they hammered on my bedroom door, on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Och, sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear
myself playing the bagpipes.'
Job hunting in Scotland 'Are you looking for work Jock?' 'Not necessarily - but I'd
like a job.'
Scotland - The home of golf Sign at a Scottish golf course: 'Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling.'
Canny Scots At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American
announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 [$20,000USD] and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give £150.'
Scots rarely drink MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days.
MacDougal said, 'Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you
mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?'
Scottish Kirk (Church) Announcement The following was seen on a poster outside a Kirk in Arbroath: DRINK IS YOUR ENEMY.
Adjacent to this was another poster which said:
Love your enemy.
»
Ear Muffs Winters can be extremely cold in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for
his farm worker, Archie.
Noticing, however, that Archie wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest day, the owner asked, 'Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?' Archie replied, not wishing to
upset his employer, 'Och, they are a wondrous thing.'
'Then why don't you wear them then?'
Archie explained, 'I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didnae hear
him.'
Double-glazing in Scotland Double-glazing is big business in Scotland in the hope that the children cannot hear the ice-cream van when it comes round.
Haggis Special - Special Haggis?
Maître d'hôtel: 'Are you here for a special occasion?'
Campbell: 'Aye, we won the third prize in the annual Robert Burns Contest, a haggis dinner for two.'
Maître d'hôtel: 'What were the other prizes?' Campbell: The second prize was a single haggis dinner,
and, if you won the first prize, you didnae have to eat the haggis.'
Footnote: My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. Mike Myers
Robbie Burns and the Librarian A man walks into the
library and at the enquiry desk says, 'Robert Burns, the complete works.'
The librarian looks up and says, 'I am sorry Mr Burns, the Massage
Parlour is back outside and the next door to this.'
A Scottish Lady An armed, hooded, robber burst into
the Bank of Scotland in Princes Street, Edinburgh, and forced the tellers to
load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave
Scottish customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's
face. The robber shot the Scotsman without hesitation!
He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else had seen him. One of
the tellers looked straight at him and the robber walked over and calmly
shot him also. Everyone by now was very scared and looking down at the
floor.
'Did anyone else see my face?' shouted the robber. There were a few
moments of silence, then one elderly Scottish lady, looking down,
tentatively raised her hand and said, 'I think my husband might have caught
a glimpse .....'
The Difference What's the difference between Bing
Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings - and Walt disnae.
The Kilt Did you hear about the Scotsman who washed
his kilt? He couldn't do a fling with it.
The Bard Robert Burns walks into a pub. The barman
says....You're Bard
Boris Johnson is being shown around a London hospital. Towards the
end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no
obvious signs of injury or disease.
He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your
honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a'
ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as
lang's my arm."
Boris, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and
greets him. The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some
wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be
thankit."
The third starts rattling off: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi
bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"
Boris turns to the doctor and asks: "Is this mental ward?"
Haggis is best grown from cuttings from the parent tuber than from seeds. Make sure that you buy your
haggis tuber from Scotland. Beware French, or Romanian imitations.
Take a sharp knife - my aunt used her tongue, but I wouldn't recommend that on hygiene grounds - and cut cubes of the haggis
tuber 5cm square.
Take an old cup and fill it with sheep dung. Water liberally. After a week dust the bottom (the cutting's, not yours) with a rooting hormone powder. Buy the best 'Robbie
Burns' compost and plant the cuttings in the compost. Place them on a radiator so that they get bottom heat.
After ten days, your haggis cuttings should sprout little white fingers.
Transfer them to your conservatory, if you haven't got a conservatory, a
garage works fine. At the end of the December harvest them, and put
them in a dark cupboard for about 3 weeks. On Burns day cut open your
Haggis and fill with a lambs stomach, oats, deer liver and a chopped onion.
The final secret ingredient is a leg - it's your leg which I have just
pulled!
John Davis, 17, a schoolboy from Edinburgh, Scotland is thought to have
set a new world record for speed-eating haggis after gobbling a pound of the
delicacy in two minutes.
He beat 30 competitors from around the world to win the event at the
inaugural Edinburgh International Haggis Championship in June 2011 so Will
and Guy have discovered.
The event was organised to raise funds for the
Help for Heroes charity,
which assists injured British soldiers.
Another Funny Scottish Joke
A thoughtful Scottish husband Did you hear about the
thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee
wife before leaving and said, 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
She replied, 'Awe Iain that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with
you?'
'Nah, just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'
As with most romantic poets, Burns had many love affairs. While he married Jean Armour, also wrote poetry about Eliza Burnett, for example: 'There has not been
anything nearly like her in all the combinations of Beauty, Grace and Goodness the great Creator has formed, since Milton's Eve on the first day of her existence.'
Amongst Robert Burns works are: Auld
Lang Syne, Comin' Thro' the Rye, Scots Wha Hae, A Red, Red Rose, The Banks o' Doon, and John Anderson, My Jo and Tam o'Shanter see below.
Robert Burns is
pictured on the £5 banknote issued by the Clydesdale Bank of Scotland.
The Selkirk Grace - As First Given By Robbie Burns
Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it; But
we hae meat, and we can eat, Sae let the Lord be thankit.
Robbie Burns Supper
The format for a Burns Supper ranges from formal gatherings of scholars,
to uproarious rave-ups of drunkards. Most Burns Suppers fall in the middle
ground, some literary tributes and a moderate amount of drinking. The
better Robbie Burns suppers have a format of recitation of works by the
Bard, followed by a traditional Scottish meal featuring a haggis, all washed
down with Scotch whisky.
In Will and Guy's opinion, the secret of
success is a good chairman to orchestrate the occasion with light and
humorous touch. The other ingredient is a willingness of the audience
to participate by way of reciting some of Burns verse, or by delivering
humorous works of their own.
Here is part of one of Robert Burns' most famous poems:
When chapman billies leave the street, (chapman billies - peddlars) And drouthy neibors, neibors, meet; As market days are wearing late, And folk begin
to tak the gate, While we sit bousing at the nappy, An' getting fou and unco happy, We think na on the lang Scots miles, The mosses, waters, slaps and stiles, That lie between us and our
hame, Where sits our sulky, sullen dame, Gathering her brows like gathering storm, Nursing her wrath to keep it warm.
¡
This truth fand honest Tam o' Shanter, As he frae Ayr ae night did
canter: (Auld Ayr, wham ne'er a town surpasses, For honest men and bonie lasses).
--- (Omitted 18 verses) ---
Now,
wha this tale o' truth shall read, Ilk man and mother's son, take heed: Whene'er to Drink you are inclin'd, Or Cutty-sarks rin in your mind, Think ye may buy the joys o'er dear; Remember Tam
o' Shanter's mare.
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