These credit crunch jokes and funny pictures may seem callous.
However, in times of adversity, humour is the best medicine.
So far Will and Guy's friends who are in most the most dire straights have
laughed the most. It's as though they need something awful, but funny,
to snap them out of their gloom, and spur them into doing something about
their financial predicament.
Latest news: The Isle of Dogs* Bank has collapsed. They've called in
the retrievers.
How do you define an optimist? A bank manager who irons 5 shirts on
Sunday night.
I went to buy a toaster and it came with a bank.
A man went to his bank manager and said, 'I'd like to start a small
business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a
big one and wait.'
What's the difference between an investment banker and a pizza
Margherita? A pizza Margherita can feed a family of five.
A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of
saving the company money during the recession. It was won by a young
executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.
* The Isle of Dogs is part of the East End of London. Think of a
map of the river Thames, the Isle of Dogs is in the biggest loop.
2009 Nobel Prize Winner
Nobel Prize in Economics: The Nobel 2009 goes to Ms Jones for keeping her
savings at home
A fire alarm, in a large office building, rang at 4pm when almost all of
the company's 500 employees were at work. As usual in such circumstances the
entire office was evacuated within 3 minutes and every employee gathered
outside. Nothing happened for ten minutes or so and there was no evidence of
a fire.
Then the firms Security Officer made an announcement:
'Dear employees,
With melting heart I am making this announcement that for many of you
will be your last fire evacuation drill. Due to the recession the company
are laying off almost fifty percent of staff. When you move back into the
building some of you will discover that your swipe pass card will no longer
give you access to the office. If you are among those laid off, go home and
all your belongings will be couriered to you tomorrow. The management took
this approach to save on overloading the email system with layoff
notifications and goodbye messages and also to avoid any violent outbursts
inside the office. Hope you have a nice career ahead ... please move forward
and try your swipe card.'
This was told to Will and Guy as a true story.
Scandal
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!!
The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the
people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament after a Parliamentary Enquiry
into Trading Practices by Britain's leading Bank Executives is stuck in
traffic. Several of the former Bank Executives and CEO's have agreed to
return their extravagant Pensions.
Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: "What's the
hold up Officer?" The policeman replies: "The Chief Executive of the U.K.'s
largest Bank has become so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is
threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire because of
the shame of what he has done."
"Myself and all the other motorcade police officers are taking up a
collection because we feel sorry for him."
The lobbyist asks: "How much have you got so far?"
The Officer replies: "About 40 gallons, but a lot of officers are still
siphoning."
Footnote: Funny Credit Crunch Jokes kindly sent in by
Neville Cresdee
In early 2008, a Zimbabwe ten million dollar bill was worth less than an
American 'sawbuck' $10
By autumn 2008 you needed 100 billion Zimbabwe dollars to buy three eggs.
The Allure of Gold
On her finger, Sonya, an Economics degree student at
Sussex University, England, wore a large gold ring which she was flashing
all the time. One day she asked her tutor a question.
'What do you think about gold? Will the prices for it drop?'
'No, the prices for gold won't drop until you try to sell this ring to
somebody,' he retorted truthfully.
The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys
people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market. -
Jay Leno
The economy is in big trouble. Yesterday in a big speech, President
Bush said the economy was still getting over the hangover from the 90's.
And then, the President admitted, he was still getting over his hangover
from the 80's. Conan O'Brien
'Money talks. Trouble is, mine only knows one word - Goodbye,' says
Guy.
The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs
If we purchase a computer it will go to India
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
and Guatemala
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan
If we purchase something useless it will go to Taiwan........whoops,
sorry............................... and none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy beer and
cigarettes, since these are the only products still produced in the USA.
The Shepherd and The Banker
A suited man, an investment banker, is striding along a road in the
countryside and he comes across a shepherd and with his flock of sheep.
Being a gambler, he tells the shepherd, 'I will bet you $100 against one of
your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.'
The shepherd thinks it over, it's a huge flock so he accepts the bet.
The banker parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location. From there he feeds the data to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
Within seconds he receives an email on his Smart phone that the
image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone
and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out
a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet
printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, 'You have exactly 261
sheep'.
The shepherd is astonished because the banker's figure is exactly
correct. He says, 'OK, I'm a man of my word, take a sheep.' The
investment banker selects one of the animals and begins to walk away.
'Wait,' yells the shepherd, 'Let me have a chance to get even.
Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.' The banker agrees
readily.
'You are a government investment banker,' says the shepherd. 'Good
grief!' splutters the banker, 'You are exactly right, tell me, how did you
deduce that?'
'Easy,' says the shepherd, 'give me back my sheep dog,
and I will tell you.'
"No guessing required.' answered the shepherd. 'You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,
to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me
you are; and you don't know a thing about sheep.
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