Driving Us Mad

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Will and Guy's Humour - Driving Us Mad Jokes

The Kitchen Saga - Driving Us Mad
Eye Test
No laughing in the woods
Driving Everyone Mad
May Jokes Home

The Kitchen Saga

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when he burst into the kitchen.

'Careful, 'he cried, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness! you're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my word! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? they're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him in amazement, 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Eye Test

A short Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters. On the bottom row were these letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied - 'I know the fellow.'

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No laughing in the woods

A German has been ordered to stop laughing out loud in the woods after joggers complained that he was disturbing the peace. Accountant Joachim Bahrenfeld, 54, from Datteln said he goes to the woods after work and at weekends to have a good belly laugh.' It's part of living for me, like eating, drinking and breathing. I feel much better when I laugh, it's freeing and healthy, 'he said.

Now he faces a £4,000 [$7000USD] fine or six months jail if he laughs out loud again after a jogger successfully took him to court saying he was disturbing the peace.

German laugh expert Susanne Maier, who founded the German Laughter Academy which aims to teach serious minded Germans to lighten up, said, 'Mr Bahrenfeld has been doing what we advise our students to do and that is to find a place they like to have a good old giggle. It would do the person who made the complaint and the judge good to come along to our school and learn for themselves the benefits of letting it all go.'

Driving Everyone Mad

Learning Fast
Paul saw an advertisement for a Driving School that claimed it could teach anyone to drive a car in ten minutes. He 'phoned the school and asked, 'How can you possibly teach anyone to drive in only ten minutes?' The Driving School receptionist replied, 'Of course, it's a crash course.'

Timing your Journey
A friend of Will's wife, Yvonne Stokes, was stopped on the Fareham Road, Portchester, England, for travelling at 37 mph in a 30mph zone. She was, of course quite contrite and spoke politely to the young police constable who had stopped her. She was asked if she wanted to pay a fixed penalty fine or attend a defensive-driving course held daily at the local Community Centre. This she agreed to wholeheartedly.

The police constable told her not to be late and that that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began. Never a good time keeper, Yvonne was late for the first appointment and in trepidation knocked on the door. The policeman opened it and demanded to know why Yvonne was late. 'I was trying not to get another ticket,' mumbled Yvonne. The constable let her in.

Coping with Worry
Theresa: Doctor, I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests is there anything you can give me.
Doctor: Just don't try not to worry about it. You'll pass eventually.

Theresa: But I'm the examiner.

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