Funny Driving Jokes

Will and Guy's Humour - Funny Driving Jokes

• Stop or Slow Down
• Eye Test
• No laughing in the woods
• Driving Everyone Mad

Stop, or Slow Down

One night Rodney was driving home along a road he knew well.  When he reached the Stop sign he slowed down but did not actually come to a halt, whereupon a police officer pulled Rodney's car over.

'What difference does it make' said Rodney, 'slow down or stop'. 'I will give you a demonstration' said the officer and starting beating Rodney with his truncheon.' Now would you like me to slow down - or stop?

Effects of Acceleration

Be reassured, the dog was not hurt.

Patrol Officer Meets His Match

A patrol officer pulled over Enid for speeding.  Enid was a 65 year old lady from out of state.

The officer asked to see her licence. 'Don't have one' Enid said. 'Can I please see the Vehicle registration' the officer asked firmly but politely. 'Nope' snapped Enid.

In that case I will have to take you into the Police station and charge you there.  When they arrived they arresting officer said, to the duty sergeant.  This lady has no licence and no vehicle registration.

'Sure I do' said Enid sweetly.  'This officer has got in for me, the next thing is he will be saying that I was speeding'.

More Funny Driving Jokes

Eye Test

A short Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters.  On the bottom row were these letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied - 'I know the fellow.'

Time to Stop

A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.

Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO, 'the young lady yelled back, 'IT's A SCARF!'

See more car jokes

The Kitchen Saga

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when he burst into the kitchen.

'Careful, 'he cried, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness! you're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my word! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? they're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him in amazement, 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

No Laughing in the Woods

A German has been ordered to stop laughing out loud in the woods after joggers complained that he was disturbing the peace. Accountant Joachim Bahrenfeld, 54, from Datteln said he goes to the woods after work and at weekends to have a good belly laugh.' It's part of living for me, like eating, drinking and breathing. I feel much better when I laugh, it's freeing and healthy, 'he said.

Now he faces a £4,000 [$7000USD] fine or six months jail if he laughs out loud again after a jogger successfully took him to court saying he was disturbing the peace.

German laugh expert Susanne Maier, who founded the German Laughter Academy which aims to teach serious minded Germans to lighten up, said, 'Mr Bahrenfeld has been doing what we advise our students to do and that is to find a place they like to have a good old giggle. It would do the person who made the complaint and the judge good to come along to our school and learn for themselves the benefits of letting it all go.'

Driving Everyone Mad

Learning Fast
Paul saw an advertisement for a Driving School that claimed it could teach anyone to drive a car in ten minutes. He 'phoned the school and asked, 'How can you possibly teach anyone to drive in only ten minutes?' The Driving School receptionist replied, 'Of course, it's a crash course.'

Timing your Journey
A friend of Will's wife, Yvonne Stokes, was stopped on the Fareham Road, Portchester, England, for travelling at 37 mph in a 30mph zone. She was, of course quite contrite and spoke politely to the young police constable who had stopped her. She was asked if she wanted to pay a fixed penalty fine or attend a defensive-driving course held daily at the local Community Centre. This she agreed to wholeheartedly.

The police constable told her not to be late and that that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began. Never a good time keeper, Yvonne was late for the first appointment and in trepidation knocked on the door. The policeman opened it and demanded to know why Yvonne was late. 'I was trying not to get another ticket,' mumbled Yvonne. The constable let her in.

Coping with Worry
Theresa: Doctor, I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests is there anything you can give me.
Doctor: Just don't try not to worry about it. You'll pass eventually.

Theresa: But I'm the examiner.

Footnote:
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