Illogical, Yet Funny English Language

How Logical is the English Language?

• Play with words - Illogical
• Why is English such a difficult, illogical, yet funny language
• Palindromes
• English Is CUH-RAY-ZEE
• English's most terrifying words
• Meaningless or Irritating Expressions
• More clean jokes for January

1) Play with words - Illogical, Yet Funny English Language

• The market garden was designed to produce produce.
• The city tip was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• In the boat, a row erupted amongst the oarsmen about how to row.
• The nurse wound the crepe bandage around the wound.
• Dessie decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• Chloe was too close to the door to close it.
• When Ted saw the tear in the painting he shed a tear.
• How can I intimate my thoughts to my most intimate friend?
• Sherrie shed her shoes in the shed.
• In terms of weight lead is in the lead.
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
• When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
• Why do our noses run but our feet smell?
• I did not object to the object.
• Freddie filled in his form by filling it out.
• Why do performers recite a play, yet play at a recital?

2) Why is English such a difficult, illogical, yet funny language?

These examples of the English language go some way to allowing us to understand why people from overseas make mistakes when trying to make translations on notices, posters, signs and menus. Guy and Will invite you to enjoy these illogical, yet funny English sentences:

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

5. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

6. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

7. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

8. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

9. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

10. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

11. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

12. They were too close to the door to close it.

13. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

14. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

15. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

16. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

17. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

18. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

19. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

20. And then there are illogical 'Engrish' problems see opposite

3) Ten of the Best Palindromes

Palindromes are interesting because they read the same forwards and backwards.  While phrases are common, complete sentences are rare.  The first palindrome that I saw was: Madam, I'm Adam, then I saw the longer: Madam, in Eden I'm Adam.  Since then Will and Guy have put together ten of the best palindromes:

• Live not on evil
• Rise to vote, sir!
• Do geese see God?
• Lisa Bonet ate no basil
• Dennis and Edna sinned
• Murder for a jar of red rum
• A man, a plan, a canal, Panama!
• No, it never propagates if I set a gap or prevention
• Tim made us sign it 'Lover'–a revolting issue, dammit!
• Doc note: I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.

4) English Is CUH-RAY-ZEE

Words by Josh White, Jr. and Pete Seeger. Sung by Pete Seeger

English is the most widely spoken language in the history of the planet.
One out of every seven human beings can speak or read it.
Half the world's books, 3/4 of the international mail are in English.
It has the largest vocabulary, perhaps two million words,
And a noble body of literature. But face it:
English is cuh-ray-zee!

Just a few examples: There's no egg in eggplant, no pine or apple in pineapple.
Quicksand works slowly; boxing rings are square.
A writer writes, but do fingers fing?
Hammers don't ham, grocers don't groce. Haberdashers don't haberdash.
English is cuh-ray-zee!

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
It's one goose, two geese. Why not one moose, two meese?
If it's one index, two indices; why not one Kleenex,two Kleenices?
English is cuh-ray-zee!

You can comb through the annals of history, but not just one annal.
You can make amends, but not just one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one, is it an odd or an end?
If the teacher taught, why isn't it true that a preacher praught?
If you wrote a letter, did you also bote your tongue?
And if a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
English is cuh-ray-zee!

Why is it that night falls but never breaks and day breaks but never falls?
In what other language do people drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?
Ship by truck but send cargo by ship? Recite at a play but play at a recital?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
English is cuh-ray-zee!

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same
When a wise man and a wise guy are very different?
To overlook something and to oversee something are very different,
But quite a lot and quite a few are the same.
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell the next?
English is cuh-ray-zee!

You have to marvel at the lunacy of a language in which your house can burn down
While it is burning up. You fill out a form by filling it in.
In which your alarm clock goes off by going on.
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

Well, English was invented by people, not computers
And reflects the creativity of the human race.
So that's why when the stars are out, they're visible,
But when the lights are out, they're invisible.
When I wind up my watch I start it, but when I wind up this rap,
I end it. English is cuh-ray-zee!

5) English's most terrifying words

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'
Ronald Reagan

Three ripostes to the above.

We need a president who's fluent in at least one language.
Buck Henry

None are so busy as the fool and knave.
John Dryden

Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them.
George Bernard Shaw

6)  Shott or Not?

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

7) Meaningless or Irritating Expressions

1. At the end of the day
2. At this moment in time
3. I personally
4. With all due respect
5. Absolutely
6.  It's a nightmare
7. Fairly unique
8.  Shouldn't of
9.  24/7
10.  It's not rocket science

See more funny English words and phrases

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