Farmer Jokes and Funny Stories

Will and Guy's Farmer Jokes and Funny Stories

• Rancher John
• Farmer's Names
• Prize Donkey - Old Farmer Joke
• Never Felt Better - Classic Farmer Story
• How to Grow Strawberries
• Ten Technical Terms About Computers And What They Mean To Farmers

Rancher John

Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied old John, 'There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied old rancher John.

Farm Sign

The Farmer Allows Walkers To Cross The Field For Free,
But The Bull Charges.

Farmer's Names

George, the farmer, had so many children that he ran out of names. So he started calling his kids after something around his farm.

It was the first day of school and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer George's sons, the boy replied, 'Wagon Wheel.'

The teacher said, 'I need your real name boy, to which the lad replied, 'It's Wagon Wheel, sir....Really.'

The teacher, rather annoyed rejoined, 'All right young man, take yourself right down to the Principal's office this minute.'

The youngster pushed himself out of his chair, turned to his sister and said, 'C'mon, 'Chicken Feed', he ain't gonna believe you, either.'

Prize Donkey

Sid was travelling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a crowd of people gathering outside a farmhouse.

It was a cold November afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Ellis why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.

The farmer replied, 'Jo's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.'

'Well, 'replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.'

'Nope, 'said Farmer Ellis.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'

Never Felt Better - Classic Farmer Story

In a court in Tralee, deep in County Kerry, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:

Lawyer: 'At the scene of the accident, Mr O'Brien, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?'

O'Brien the farmer: 'That's right, sir.'

Lawyer: 'Well then, Mr O'Brien, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?'

O'Brien the farmer: 'When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.'

How to Grow Strawberries

Farmer Evans was driving his John Deere tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer.  Tim a little boy of eight was playing in his yard when he saw the farmer and asked, 'What've you got in your trailer?'

'Manure,' Farmer Evans replied.

'What are you going to do with it?' asked Tim.

'Put it on my strawberries,' answered the farmer.

Tim replied, 'You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice-cream on our strawberries.'

Ten Technical Terms About Computers And What They Mean To Farmers

1. Log on: when you want to make the homestead warmer.
2. Log off: Timberrrrrrrrrrrr.
3. Mega Hertz: when you not careful getting the firewood.
4. Lap top: where the cat sleeps.
5. Hard drive: manoeuvring thought those rocky fields on the northern range when there is snow in the ground.
6. Windows: what to shut when it's cold outside.
7. Byte: what mosquitoes do.
8. Modem: what I did to the hay fields.
9. Keyboard: where the keys hang.
10. Mouse: critters that eat the grain in the barn.

Not forgetting RAM [Random Access Memory]: when you can't remember anything at all from earlier.

You may be able to add to this list - if so, please send your funnies to us.

More Farmer Jokes and Funny Stories.

Hilarious and Best, Funny Country Story

Barry Farmer got into his Toyota 4 by 4 and drove to the neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, Neil, aged about 9, opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home?' Barry demanded.

'No, sir, he ain't,' Neil replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well, then,' inquired Barry, 'is yer Mom here?'

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother? Is he here?'

'He went with Mom and Dad,' explained Neil patiently.

Barry Farmer stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other and muttering to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' Neil asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well, it's difficult,' answered Barry uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother getting my daughter pregnant.'

Neil considered for a moment, 'You would have to talk to Pa about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $600 for the bull and $60 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

The Farmer's Favourite Son: A Funny Story from Will and Guy

Tony and Luke, two brothers, were sitting in Cobbler and Proust's, the solicitors, waiting room preparing themselves for the reading of their father's will.

The two began yet another session of bickering about which of them was the favourite son and it was getting into full flow when they were invited, by Mr Cobbler, into the office.

After a few preliminaries, including the disposal of a few small items to the cousins and old friends, the important bit came: who would inherit the farm, Tony or Luke?

Mr Cobbler, the solicitor, took a deep breath, looked at the eldest brother Tony and said, 'Well, Tony, the farm is yours.'

Tony turned to his brother, Luke and complained, 'See! I told you, Luke, you were the favourite.'

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