Farmer Jokes and Funny Farmer's Stories
Will and Guy's Funny Farmer Stories and Jokes
The farmer allows walkers to cross his field for free,
Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.
'Well,' replied old John, 'There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied old rancher John.
It was the first day of school and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer George's sons, the boy replied, 'Wagon Wheel.'
The teacher said, 'I need your real name boy, to which the lad replied, 'It's Wagon Wheel, sir....Really.'
The teacher, rather annoyed rejoined, 'All right young man, take yourself right down to the Principal's office this minute.'
The youngster pushed himself out of his chair, turned to his sister and said, 'C'mon, 'Chicken Feed', he ain't gonna believe you, either.'
It was a cold November afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Ellis why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.
The farmer replied, 'Jo's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.'
'Well, 'replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.'
'Nope, 'said Farmer Ellis.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'
In a court in Tralee, deep in County Kerry, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:
Lawyer: 'At the scene of the accident, Mr O'Brien, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?'
O'Brien the old farmer: 'That's right, sir.'
Lawyer: 'Well then, Mr O'Brien, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?'
O'Brien the farmer: 'When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.'
Farmer Evans was driving his John Deere tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer. Tim a little boy of eight was playing in his yard when he saw the farmer and asked, 'What've you got in your trailer?'
'Manure,' Farmer Evans replied.
'What are you going to do with it?' asked Tim.
'Put it on my strawberries,' answered the farmer.
Tim replied, 'You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice-cream on our strawberries.'
Not forgetting RAM [Random Access Memory]: when you can't remember anything at all from earlier.
You may be able to add to this list - if so, please send your funnies to us.
Sally was in the Fox and Hounds at Newbridge last Saturday night, when this really ugly looking guy walked into the bar.
She told me later: "The wierdo came over to the bar and pinched my bum. Then he had the nerve to demand, 'Give me your number, sexy.'"
I replied, "Have you got a pen?"
He smiled and said, "Yes."
I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."
Hilarious and Best, Funny Country Story
Barry Farmer got into his Toyota 4 by 4 and drove to the neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, Neil, aged about 9, opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' Barry demanded.
'Well, then,' inquired Barry, 'is yer Mom here?'
'How about your brother? Is he here?'
Barry Farmer stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other and muttering to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' Neil asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'
'Well, it's difficult,' answered Barry uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother getting my daughter pregnant.'
Neil considered for a moment, 'You would have to talk to Pa about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $600 for the bull and $60 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'
Clean and Hilarious Farmer's Tales
The Jogger and the Farmer
Paul, a jogger, is running down a country road and is startled when a horse yells at him, 'Hey-come over here buddy.'
Paul is stunned but still runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, 'Were you talking to me?'
The horse replies, 'Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plough and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money because I can still run.'
Paul thought to himself, 'Wow, a talking horse.' Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old rancher is sitting on the porch.
Paul tells the farmer, 'Hey man I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field.'
The farmer replies, 'Son you can't believe anything that horse says. He's never even been to Kentucky.'
How to Buy a Horse
Ethan walks into a barn with a farmer to buy a horse
The horse is laid down in some straw. After giving the horse the once-over Ethan says, "This horse hasn't got any shoes on."
The farmer replies "Well he hasn't got up yet.
The Favourite Son: A Classic Farmer Joke from Will and Guy
Tony and Luke, two brothers, were sitting in Cobbler and Proust's, the solicitors, waiting room preparing themselves for the reading of their father's will.
The two began yet another session of bickering about which of them was the favourite son and it was getting into full flow when they were invited, by Mr Cobbler, into the office.
After a few preliminaries, including the disposal of a few small items to the cousins and old friends, the important bit came: who would inherit the farm, Tony or Luke?
Mr Cobbler, the solicitor, took a deep breath, looked at the eldest brother Tony and said, 'Well, Tony, the farm is yours.'
Tony turned to his brother, Luke and complained, 'See! I told you, Luke, you were the favourite.'
Three Wheels on My Wagon --->
A good stabilizing job by the wife!
Amusing Irish Farmers' Joke
First Irish Farmer:
Second Irish Farmer:
First Irish Farmer: No, in the head.
Two west country yokels were on the train heading homewards through Somerset, England when one of them noticed some cows.
'What a lovely bunch of cows.' he remarked.
'Heard of what?'
'Of course I've heard of cows.'
'No, a cow herd.'
'What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow.'
Funny Farmer Story
The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The farmer looks at the man, obviously a city slicker, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The farmer thinks it over, it's a huge herd so he accepts the bet.
The city slicker parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location. From there he feeds the data to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
Within seconds he receives an email on his Smart phone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,423 cows'.
The farmer is astonished because the city slicker's figure is exactly correct. He says, 'OK, I'm a man of my word, take a cow.' The investment city slicker selects one of the animals and begins to walk away.
'Wait,' yells the farmer, 'Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.' The city slicker agrees readily.
'You are a Congressman for the U.S. Government,' says the farmer.
'Good grief!' splutters the city slicker, 'You are exactly right, tell me, how did you deduce that?'
'Easy,' says the farmer, 'give me back my dog, and I will tell you.'
"No guessing required.' answered the farmer. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows.
On a drive in the country, Roger, a city gent noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.
'Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about,' said Roger, the city gent, 'but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?'
'Ooh ar, time?' answered the farmer. 'What does time matter to a pig?'
Hillbilly Knows Best
A hillbilly farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store.
'Heya, Wilbur,' said Ron, the store owner. 'Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?'
'You betcha, Ron. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?'
'Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a
'Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this,' Ron says, taking a match and striking it on his trousers.
'Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Ron.'
'I can't be walking twelve miles every time I want a fire and borrow your trousers.'
Story of a Farmer Seeking True Love
A farmer's cooperative in North Wales offering organic food has come out with a unique idea of finding love for its 20 farmer-members. The dairy cooperative Calon Wen is introducing "Fancy a Farmer?" campaign by placing the pictures of lonely farmers on its milk cartons.
According to the Daily Post, the cartons of Calon Wen's organic milk will have the stickers of three men and two women looking for a date. The men and women were all members of the cooperative, the report said. Iwan Jones, 30 of Groes Bach, Groes, near Denbig, and a director of the Calon Wen cooperative, conceptualized the idea after numerous love failures for himself.
He told the Post, 'It's a bit of a laugh really - but if I was approached by an attractive young lady I wouldn't turn her away.'
The 20-member organic farmers cooperative have also tied a partnership with a Welsh online dating agency to maximize their exposure. Jones adds, 'The Welsh countryside is a great place to live, with stunning scenery, but it can be a hard place to find a date as I'm finding out!' He said the two young women participating in the campaign only agreed 'after a bit of arm-twisting.' 'We didn't want to be accused of being sexist,' he added.
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