Jokes From All Over The World

Jokes for October that made Will and Guy Laugh

This page featuring humour from all over the world, fits in with our idea of something for everyone.  In this age of 'Political correctness' at least one person a week writes in with a cheap shot criticising Irish, Women, Polish or Welsh jokes.  Our reply is to include tasteful jokes about each and every group without bias.  Incidentally, the only complaints that we have had from Australians is - 'We want more jokes about Aussies'.

International Humour

This humour comes from a research project on 'funny jokes' conducted by the British Association for the Advancement of Science.

USA:

Texan: 'Where are you from?'
Harvard graduate: 'I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.'

Texan: 'OK, where in California do you come from, Jackass?'

Canada:

You know you're from Canada when ........

1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
4. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
5. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
6. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
7. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
8. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
9. You find -40C a little chilly.
10. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
11. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels.
12. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
13. You perk up when you hear the theme from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.

Australia:

What do you call a woman who can balance 8 beers on her head?
Beatrix.

Europe:

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: 'Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.'

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, 'There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price.'

'But,' the dog replied, 'that would make no sense at all.'

Belgium:

'Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't.'

France:

'You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you 500 dollars, will you answer two questions?'
'Absolutely! What's the second question?'

Sweden:

'A guy phones the local hospital and yells, 'You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!'

The nurse says, 'Calm down. Is this her first child?'

He replies, 'No! This is her husband!'

Message from Her Majesty the Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

• More clean jokes and funny stories for October

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