Funny Medical Terms - Our Second Opinion

Funny Medical Terms that Made Will and Guy Laugh

• An Alternative Medical Dictionary
• A Good Medical Joke
• Girl, 12, proves that toilet water is cleaner than ice cubes
• From Bad to Worse
• How to raise your blood pressure
• Who pays the medical bill?

1) An Alternative Medical Dictionary:
     [Submitted by Nigel Morris]

1. Artery - The study of paintings
2. Barium - What Doctors do when patients die
3. Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome
4. Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
5. Colic - A sheep dog
6. Dilate - To live long
7. Enema - Not a friend
8. Fibula - A small lie
9. Genital - Not a Jew
10. Impotent - Distinguished, well known
11. Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work
12. Morbid - A higher offer
13. Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates
14. Node - Was aware of
15. Outpatient - A person who has fainted
16. Post Operative - Letter carrier
17. Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
18. Seizure - Roman Emperor
19. Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport
20. Urine - Opposite of 'you're out'

2) A Good Medical Joke

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took some X-rays of a trauma patient and took the results to the senior radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

'What on earth happened to this patient?' he asked in astonishment.

'He fell out of a tree,' according to the report.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

'I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Mark's Expert Tree Pruning Service.'

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, 'Cross out 'expert.'

3) Girl, 12, proves that toilet water is cleaner than ice cubes

A Florida schoolgirl won top prize with a science project proving that toilet water is cleaner than ice in fast food restaurants.  Jasmine Roberts, 12, of New Tampa, tested her theory in five local restaurants, reports Tampa Bay's 10 News.

'My hypothesis was that the fast food restaurants' ice would contain more bacteria that the fast food restaurants' toilet water, 'she said.  Jasmine says at each restaurant she flushed the toilet once, then used sterile gloves to gather samples. She also collected ice from soda fountains and asked for cups of ice at drive thru windows. She then tested the samples at a lab.

Jasmine said: 'I found that 70% of the time, the ice from the fast food restaurant's contain more bacteria than the fast food restaurant's toilet water.'

Her project won the science fair at Benito Middle School, and she hopes to win the top prize at a regional science and engineering fair.

4) From Bad to Worse

Doctor Henderson spoke very seriously to Old Terry, 'I'm afraid I have some bad news and some worse news for you, Terry.'

'Tell me the worse news first, please, Doc.,' mumbled Old Terry.

'You've got cancer and have only 3 months to live,' replied Doctor Henderson quietly.

'What's the bad news?' asked Terry after a short while.

'You've also got Alzheimer's disease,' said Doctor Henderson.

'Thank the Lord,' muttered Old Terry, 'For a moment there I thought I had cancer.'

5) Some benefits of Alzheimer's Disease

• You never watch repeats on television
• You are always meeting new people
• You don't have to remember the complaints of your spouse
• You can hide your own Easter eggs
• Mysteries are always interesting

6) How to raise your blood pressure

Doctor Larmer commented on Peter's, extraordinarily ruddy complexion.

'High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family,' laughed Peter.

'Your mother's side or your father's?' inquired Doctor Larmer showing interest.

'Neither,' Peter replied, 'It's from my wife's family.'

'Oh, come now,' interjected Doctor Larmer, 'How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?'

Peter sighed, 'You wanna meet 'em sometime, Doc!'

7) Who Pays the Medical Bill?

Dan arrives at the private hospital in Mérida, Yucatán, Mexico and is rushed in quickly for surgery after his appalling car crash.

The operation goes well and, as Dan regains consciousness, he is reassured by a nun, Sister Mary, who is waiting by his bed.

Now, Dan, you're going to be just fine,' says the nun, gently patting his hand. 'We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?'

'No, I'm not,' Dan whispers hoarsely.

'Then are you able to pay in cash?' persists Sister Mary.
'I'm afraid I cannot, Sister,' say Dan regretfully.

'Well now, do you have any close relatives?' Sister Mary questions sternly

'Only my sister in Puerto Vallarta,' Dan volunteers, 'But she's a humble spinster nun, like your good self.'

'Oh, I must correct you, Dan. Nuns are not spinsters: we are married to God.'

'Wonderful,' explodes Dan happily, 'In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

Loosely based on a true story when Will lived in Mexico.

Ten Hilarious and Funny Newspaper Mistakes to Do With Medicine

1. The Sunday Times explanation for the extinction of the dinosaurs :- The extinction may well have occurred when a steroid hit the Earth.
2. Another newspaper misprint :- The Welsh international had to withdraw when the cut turned sceptic.
3. From a Sunday newspaper :- The surgeon said he'd removed my momentum - the funny apron of fat that covers the intestines.  [The omentum is the medical name for the sheet of fat that covers abdominal organs.]
4. From an article on stomach trouble :- Doctors are beginning to accept that stomach ulcers are infectious. They are caused by a bug called Helicopter. [Real name Helicobacter pylori.]
5. The Worksop Bugle recently carried a news report about a chap who'd happily "recovered from a tuna of the kidney". [Salad days ahead?]
6. An excerpt from 'Pulse' magazine :- If we are over-diagnosing asthma, then we must be under-diagnosing the other causes of nocturnal cough, such as post-natal drip. [Slip of the 's', post-nasal drip.]
7. From a national newspaper :- Cutting down on fats reduces the risk of heart disease. Try to choose unsaturated fats, which are found in red meat, milk, cheese, coconut oil, palm oil and butter ........ [Most of those contain SATURATED fats which would CAUSE a heart attack.]
8. A transplant surgeon has called for a ban on "kidneys-for-ale" operations.
9. From the South Wales Evening Post :- Cash plea to aid dyslexic cildren.
10. An interesting health tip from Q magazine :- In America you can buy melatonin as a vitamin supplement.  It is a hormone that your penile gland secretes when it gets dark. [Actually, melatonin is produced by the pineal gland.]

Footnote:
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