Unfortunate Yet Funny Children's Names

Unfortunate, Yet Funny Children's Names

Ima Hogg (Fact is always stranger than fiction)

• Funny Children's Names
• Top 10 Funny Names
• Unusual and Occasionally Funny Surnames
• Name Change to: Mr Sprout
• Famous Name Changes

1) Regrettable Names that Parents Gave Their Children

You may have to work on deciphering the problem with one or two of the names.  For instance Guy struggled with Dwayne Pipe until Will helped with with the unusual 'r' stress on the 'w'.  I will say no more in case I deprive you of pleasure from working out the meanings of these unfortunate, stupid and weird children's names for yourself.

2) Top 10 Funny Names

Will and Guy's Top Ten Funny, Silly and Downright Inconsiderate Names, this selection makes us laugh:

  1) Carrie Oakey - karaoke
 2) Terry Bill - Will's friend from Portchester, England
 3) Barb Dwyer - barbed wire
 4) Stan Still - stand still as in an Army Sergeant-Major: 'Stand still you 'orrible little man.'
 5) Annette Kirton - a net curtain
 6) Theresa Green or Brown
 7) Justin Case
 8) Norman Knight - a friend of Will and Guy's in the 1970's from Waterloovile, England.
 9) Rick O'Shea - as in "ricochet" of a bullet
10) Seymour Legg - see more leg...................

Ray Gunn came very close to inclusion in this top ten - just Jo King.

3) More Possibilities for Unfortunate and Weird Children's Names

Girls have an extra hazard, they could marry a man with a tricky surname.  For example, Annette Brown marries Joe Curtain (Kirton) and becomes A Net Curtain.  There was also Penny Farthing who married Mr Halfpenny.  Two farthings made one half penny in old English money.

N.B. Please send us your examples of Weird Children's Names

4) Funny Names Survey - Results Revealed

The funniest names in Britain have been revealed in a new and recent study and include Terry Bull. Interestingly, Will and Guy have a friend, who lives in Portchester, named Terry Bill who has suffered all his life from Mickey taking.

A former Royal Air Force man, Stan Still, 76, was also named along with Barb Dwyer, Max Power, Justin Case, Mary Christmas and Paige Turner, we can report. Stan Still, from, Cirencester, Wiltshire, England commented, 'When I was in the RAF my commanding officer used to shout "Stan Still! Get a move on" and roll about laughing. It got hugely boring. My name has been a blooming millstone around my neck.'

The study also unveiled wacky names in the USA, including Carrie Oakey, Annette Curtain, a dentist called Les Plack and a doctor called Sumey.

A spokesman for the site which compiled the study, told us, 'Parents need to think carefully when choosing names for their children. What's quirky and fun for a toddler might be regretted when the person is older.'

Strange Decline of "Rude" British Surnames

Recent research carried out by Professor Richard Webber [King's College, London] has brought to light an interesting and puzzling conundrum say Will and Guy.

It has been noticed that many "old" British surnames have been disappearing in recent years; old names which have been used for generations are being lost. We think the reason maybe that in modern times people have become increasingly embarrassed to hold "funny" and unusual names that may make other people laugh.

Names like: Cock, Daft, Death, Smellie, Gotobed, Shufflebottom, Willy, Nutters, Piggs and Jelly have declined seriously in the past century or so. We imagine that these people have changed their names to something innocuous.

The 2008 population, when compared to that in 1881 [using Census figures], shows that the number of Cocks has shrunk by 75%, while the number of people called Balls or Daft has fallen by more than 50%.

Apparently, the fastest-growing surname in Britain is Zhang, which has grown from 123 in 1996 to 5,804 in 2008. It is closely followed by four other Chinese names: Wang, Yang, Huang and Lin; only after that do a couple of African names get a look in: Moyo and Dube.

Some things have not changed, however. In 1881 the most popular surnames were, in order, Smith, Jones, Williams, Brown, Taylor, Davies, Wilson, Evans and Thomas; those top nine names are still in the exactly the same order of popularity today.

5) Will and Guy's List of Strange, Unusual and Occasionally Funny Surnames:

6a) What's in a Name?

Mrs Warren was discussing the origin of names with her Primary pupils. The 7 year olds were keen and enthusiastic learners and quickly grasped the notion that somebody named Taylor may well have had ancestors in mediaeval times who were makers of clothing.  A family name of Baker suggested that in the middle ages their predecessors might have baked bread.  First names were talked about: the name William belonged to the heir to the throne of Britain and it meant 'conqueror' as in the Norman invader 'William the Conqueror' in 1066.

One lad raised his hand and spoke, 'Please, Miss. I was named after a wall.'

'And what is your name, young man?' asked Mrs Warren.

'Adrian', came the response.

The Roman Emperor Hadrian [AD117-138] felt that his Empire was growing too large. He ordered this wall to be constructed in Northern Britain. It runs for 73 miles and is estimated to be between 13 and 15 feet high. Hadrian wanted a wall built which would mark the northern limits of his empire and consolidate the hold on those parts of Britain already subdued. Hadrian's empire would not include Caledonia. [Scotland]. Although the Roman Army was strong enough to defeat the Picts who lived in Caledonia, Hadrian felt that the rough terrain and the guerrilla tactics employed by the Picts made the conquering of Scotland not worth his while.

6b) What's in a Name - Latest Research

Studies by Richard Wiseman and others have shown that pupils with 'successful' names get higher marks, and succeed in school, compared with those with 'unsuccessful' names.   Will and Guy say that while such psychology probably is true, it needs to be put into context.  For example, in Wales (home of Dylan Thomas), Dylan would be a normal name.  But if Dylan moved to England they may call him Dull'un.

Nevertheless, in a large survey trends may be significant, for instance, Jack, James and Ryan are good, successful names for boys, and Lucy, Elizabeth and Sophie for girls.  However, Brian, Thomas and George were not highly rated by this survey, neither were Lucy, Tracey or Ann.

Another factor is age.  Names that are popular in one era, sound old-fashioned two generations later, for example, Florrie, Agnes and Constance would seem like unfortunate children's names in 2008.

7) True Story

A policeman pulled over a teenage girl for a traffic violation in Montana. 

Policeman: 'What's your name?'
Girl:  'Betsy Ross*.' 

Policeman: 'Date of birth?' 
Girl: 'Fourth of July.'

As the officer thought that she was 'taking the Mickey', he questioned her more closely.  However, a phone call to her father, and he produced the documents to prove that she was indeed Betsy Ross, born on 7/4/1990**. 

(* According to Legend Betsy Ross sewed the first American Flag.)
(** 4th of July in American date notation.  In Montana it's legal to drive at 15.  In Dakota the driving age is as low as 14.  However, I understand that at least in some states, drivers under 18 cannot take passengers, unless one passenger is over 25.)

8) Weird Name Change to: Mr Sprout

A man called Russell has changed his surname by *deed poll to Sprout. Here is a photo of Mr Sprout.

Russell Sprout, 26, from Ocean Village, Southampton, Hampshire, UK, dislikes the taste of Brussels sprouts and hasn't eaten one for years. 'Sprout was always my nickname and my friends dared me to change my surname to Sprout,' he told the Daily Echo. 'In the end, I thought why not? I dropped my middle name, which was James, so I am just Russell Sprout. I have got rid of the chance of having a rubbish nickname now because everyone just calls me Sprout and I like that.'

Russell, a council tax officer, added, 'Some people actually take it seriously and don't really bat an eyelid, they just don't get it. But most people will say, 'say that again', or they will laugh. I get all sorts of responses.'

* In the UK it is possible to change your name by deed poll. This will cost £7.50 [$14.90 USD]. This has been possible since 1760; a decade or so ago only 15,000 people took advantage of it but now more than 40,000 people seek to change their names each year. Applications are up by some 20%. Divorcees sometimes wish to change their names back to their maiden name. Civil partnerships, marriages and immigrants sometimes create a new 'meshed' name from their two surnames.

Interesting changes are not always allowed: Samantha Holloway wished to become HMP Holloway [Her Majesty's Prison] but the UK Passport Office refused to issue her a passport in that name.

9) Famous Name Changes:

• Elton John = Reginald Dwight
• Bono = Paul Hewson

The above are infinitely superior name changes than these unfortunate names

• Jellyfish Mc-Saveloy
• Mouth Who Wants To Know O'Mighty
• Toasted Teacake
• Or even the unfortunate name: Neil Down

10) Funny Name Change

A Somerset teenager, George Garratt, aged 19, has changed his name to Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined. The music graduate changed his name by deed poll online for £10 [$16 USD] Will and guy have established. Captain Fantastic told reporters, 'I wanted to be unique. I decided upon a theme of superheroes.'

The teenager, from Glastonbury, Somerset, England, added that while he thought the new name was 'crazy', and that his grandmother was no longer speaking to him. Why are we not surprised?

11) Other Funny Children's Names

He joins a number of people with unusually long names, including Rhoshandiatellyneshiaunneveshenk Koyaanisquatsiuth Williams, a girl born in Texas in 1984.

Also, in Italy, we have discovered, a couple was banned from naming their son Friday, Venerdi, because the name could expose him to ridicule. Named after the manservant of Daniel Defoe's famous novel 'Robinson Crusoe', the court ordered the boy's name be changed to Gregorio, named after the Saint's day on which he was born.

Meanwhile, a judge in New Zealand made a young girl a ward of court so she could change her name from Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii: and last year a couple were banned from naming their baby 4Real, so they chose Superman instead.

12) And There Are More Weird Children's Names

Portsmouth Football Club has a supporter who never misses a match home or away. He is so dedicated to supporting the football club that he has changed his name. It is

John Anthony Portsmouth Football Club Westwood.

Will has met John, who owns a bookshop in Petersfield, Hants, England, when selling some books. At football matches he is very noisy, ringing a hand bell and bellowing his support. 'In real life' he is a much more gentle, learned person.

The Maori name for a hill in New Zealand so Will and Guy believe is:

Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapiki-maungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu

Now, that is a long word. You may know of a longer one. Let us know.

Appendix - Ideas for you to generate unfortunate children's names

• Brandy Bottle
• Bella Donna Drink
• Brooke Waters
• Bryony
• Bunny Hare
• Cammie Sole
• Chrystal Glass
• Ebony Wood
• Gayle Storm
• Gladys
• Jasmine Flowers
• Judy Punch
• Katy Litter
• Kymberley Mine
• Lyn
• Nelly
• Paris Plaster
• Penny Whistler
• Prudence Island
• Patsy
• Shandy
• Una
• Trixie
• Tori
• Verity
• Jade Stone
• Cindy
• Caesar Salad
• Dan
• Ben
• Luke Warm
• Sam
• Noah
• Jonah Wales
• Chad Ticket
• Grant
• Hector
• Harley Davidson
• Junior
• Nick Cut
• Butcher, Baker, Taylor
• Brown, White, Green
• Miller
• Lee, Walker
• Carter
• Morris
• Cook
• Price
• Long
• Butler

Footnote:
Please send us your examples of unfortunate children's names.

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