Qantas Pilots and Engineer Reports

Qantas Pilots and Engineer Reports

• Qantas Pilots
• More Exchanges between Qantas Pilots and their Engineers
• Qantas Letter
• Urban Myth - Qantas have never had an accident

 Qantas Pilots: Joke sent in by Nigel Morris

Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what they're for.

Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

More Exchanges between Qantas Pilots and their Engineers

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

And perhaps, the best Qantas joke...

Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

Qantas Letter

The following letter was written by a retired Qantas pilot to his former colleagues:

Dear All,

Please find enclosed a home study simulator course [HSSC] for those of you who still hunger for the romance and adventure of airline travel.

If you follow all the steps in this HSSC you will experience that 'Romance and Adventure.'

1] Do not go to bed

2] Sit in your most uncomfortable chair, preferably in a cupboard, for 9 or 10 hours facing a 4 foot wide panoramic photo of a flight deck

3] Have two or three noisy vacuum cleaners on high, out of sight but within hearing distance and operating throughout the night. If a vacuum cleaner fails, do the appropriate restart checklist

4] Halfway through your nocturnal simulator course, arrange for a bright spotlight to shine directly into your face for two or three hours, simulating flying eastbound into the sunrise

5] Have bland overcooked food served on a tray halfway through the night

6] Have cold cups of coffee delivered from time to time, and ask your spouse to slam the door frequently

7] At the time when you must heed nature's call, force yourself to stand outside the bathroom door for at least ten minutes, transferring your weight from leg to leg, teasing the discomfort. Don't forget to wear your hat.

8] Leave the cupboard after the prescribed nine or ten hours and turn on your sprinklers in the garden and stand out in the cold and "rain", for twenty minutes, simulating the wait for the crew car

9] Head for your bedroom, wet through and with your suitcase and flight bag. Stand outside the door till your wife gets up and leaves, simulating the wait while the maid makes up the hotel room

10] When your spouse inquires, 'Just what in the hell have you been doing?' just say, 'Recalling the allure of all night flying to romantic places.' as you collapse into bed

11] If you are a purist, make this a two-day trip instead of a turn-around, so do this two nights in a row. Above all 'Enjoy Yourselves.'

Regards.......................Jim Retired.

Urban Myth - Qantas have never had an accident

For years Will and Guy have perpetuated the urban myth that Qantas are the only major airline that have never had a serious accident.  Then Ken Sanford kindly wrote in putting the record straight.  Given the number of accidents the myth would seem to be a master stroke by the Qantas publicity department.

I don't know where it came from that 'Qantas has never had a fatal accident', but it is not true--it is an urban legend. Qantas has had a number of crashes in its history, some of which resulted in fatalities. The following is a list of Qantas accidents:

25 Feb 1923 - Jericho, Australia - Armstrong W.FK8 - G-AUCF - no fatalities
13 Sep 1923 - Blackhall, Australia - Armstrong W. FK.8 - G-AUDE - no fatalities
24 Mar 1927 - Tambo, Australia - De Havilland DH.9 - G-AUED - 3 fatalities
  5 Feb 1928 - Camooweal, Australia - De Havilland DH.9 - G-AUFM - no fatalities
15 Nov 1934 - Longreach, Australia - de Havilland DH-86 VH-USG - 4 fatalities
20 Feb 1942 - Belmont, Australia - de Havilland DH-86 VH-USE - 9 fatalities see: http://home.st.net.au/~dunn/ozcrashes/qld115.htm for details
22 Apr 1943 - Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea - Short S-23 (flying boat) - VH-ADU 13 fatalities
26 Nov 1943 - Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea - Lockheed 18 Lodestar VH-CAB 15 fatalities
11 Oct 1944 - Sydney, Australia - Short S-23 (flying boat) VH-ABB - 1 fatality
18 Nov 1944 - Sydney, Australia - Short S-23 (flying boat) VH-ACD - no fatalities
23 Mar 1946 - Between Colombo, Ceylon and Cocos Island - Lancastrian - G-AGLX (was being operated by Qantas) - 10 fatalities
22 Jan 1947 - Schofields, Australia - Lockheed 14 Electra - VH-ADT - no fatalities
11 Feb 1948 - Condamine, Australia - Lockheed 10 Electra - VH-AEC - no fatalities
 7 Apr 1949 - Dubbo, Australia - Avro Lancaster - VH-EAS - no fatalities
11 May 1949 - Kerowagi, Papua New Guinea - Avro Anson - VH-BBZ - no fatalities
16 Jul 1951 - Lae, Papua New Guinea - de Havilland Drover 2 - VH-EBQ - 7 fatalities
13 Dec 1951 - Yaramunda, Papua New Guinea - De Havilland DH.84 - VH-URV - 3 fatalities
24 Aug 1960 - Port Louis, Mauritius - Lockheed Constellation 1049C - VH-EAC - no fatalities see: http://casa.gov.au/fsa/2000/jan/page49.pdf
23 September 1999, Qantas Flight 1, a Boeing 747-400 (VH-OJH), overran the runway while landing at Bangkok, Thailand, during a heavy thunderstorm. The aircraft ended up on a golf course.

Ken Sanford
613 Championship Drive
Oxford, CT - USA 06478-3128
Telephone & fax 1 203 888 9237
Website: http://wreckandcrash.org

Footnote
if like Jim you have a good Qantas Pilot joke, then contact Will and Guy (Email address at the bottom)

• More clean jokes and one-liners for May

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