Back to School Jokes and Stories

Stories and Jokes for School

Picture this, the new academic year has started; here is collection of school jokes, howlers and funny stories to get you in the mood!

• Back to School
• The Golden Rule of Teaching - Know your Pupils
• Excuse Notes - Jokes for School
• Back to the OHP
• Back at School - What the Experts Say
• Back to School in China

Back to School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school'
'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.'

'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'
'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!'

'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.'
'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.'

'Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Head teacher!'

The Golden Rule of Teaching - Know your Pupils

A head teacher is making his rounds of the school when he hears a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushes in and spots one boy, taller than the others, who seems to be making the most noise.

He seizes the lad, drags him to the hall, and tells him to wait there until he is excused. Returning to the classroom, the head teacher restores order and lectures the class for half an hour about the importance of good behaviour.

'Now,' he says, 'are there any questions?'

One girl stands up timidly. 'Please sir,' she asks, 'may we have our teacher back?'

Excuse Notes - Why Pupils are not Back at School

• Please excuse Susie, she has been sick and under the doctor.
• Please excuse Barry for being. It was his father's fault.
• Cedric will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Two Stories from the Music Department

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  In fact, he was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster, which he kept up in his attic.

Back to the OHP

Dear All,

When I returned from my holiday, I notice from our schedule for the September weekend that during the 'Worship' day we will be looking at 'Worship and vision, multimedia in worship.'  I thought the following definition taken from the writings of St.Adrian de Plass might inform the session and stand as a warning to us all!

Overhead Projector: often referred to as an OHP. Confusion with the term OAP is a bad idea, as discovered by a man in one of our local churches who announced the following:

'I have been going through the OAPs in our church and it has become clear to me that many of them are simply no use to us any more. They are elderly, shabby, difficult to understand, poorly put together, old fashioned and often theologically unsound. Some of them are literally falling apart. I have weeded out a number of these redundant OAPs and I suggest we store them in the church cupboard until the autumn. Have a look though if you wish, and feel free to take home any that you fancy, otherwise I will dispose of them on the church bonfire'.

Every blessing

Hugh-John

Back at School - What the Experts Say

• Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes.  Norman Douglas
• Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it.  Stephen Vizinczey
• Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.  BF Skinner
• If little else, the brain is an educational toy.  Tom Robbins
• America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.  Evan Esar

Back to School in China

A bridge is to be built in a Chinese village where children are forced to cross a raging torrent on a steel cable to get to school

Nearly 500 children, from Maji village in Fugong town, Yunnan province, cross the most dangerous stretch of the Nujiang River each day.  They fasten themselves to the cable with a metal carabineer and a rope and slide across the 200 metre wide canyon, reports the Beijing News.

The youngest student, A Qia, 4, has to go over by herself each day. 'I have to hand walk for about 60 metres, since my light weight makes me stop about two thirds of the way across,' she said. The villagers say that usually four-year-old children are taken by their parents, and begin to go by themselves from the age of five.

A Pu, 5, who was stuck in the middle of the cable for nearly 20 minutes once, told reporters, 'I used to dream of having a bridge, but then I learned that my dream was too expensive.'  However, officials have finally agreed to spend £35,000 on a bridge after a TV programme was made about the children's dangerous daily journey.

Footnote:
Please send Will and Guy your pictures, stories and jokes for school.

• More good funny jokes for September

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