I have an old friend called Chris Pett. We have lost touch, I suspect that he
has done a Lord Lucan and gone into hiding. Just in case there is another Chris Pett, my friend answers to Eri Stalis. Before he disappeared from my radar, Chris used to be a frequent flier.
I heard from an airport insider in Jersey that Chris single-handedly caused
the airport authorities to change their policy for passenger announcements.
The reason was that Chris was for ever going to the information desk and
asking them to tannoy messages for people with the names like this: Lei Ying Lo (Lying Low). Then one day the penny dropped, the messages, like the people, were pure fiction.
ф
How to Speak Chinese Joke - Max Planck
Institute
Chris Pett has a scientific background, I wonder if he is now working at
the Max Planck Institute? The reason that I am suspicious is
that the cover of the January 2009 edition has a Chinese script on its
front cover. Unfortunately, the script does not say what was intended
by the Max Planck Institute, instead the Chinese characters convey an
advert for a brothel in Macau!
The Max Planck Institute published a grovelling apology. 'By
publishing this text we did in no way intend to cause any offence or
embarrassment to our Chinese readers.' Interestingly, it also said:
'It has now emerged that the text contains deeper levels of meaning, which
are not immediately accessible to a non-native speaker.' Further
research indicates a Hong Kong dialect.
There have been reports of a mixed reception to the script within China.
Some of the establishment figures regarded the cover as a calculated insult
to the Chinese people. While a student friend of Will and Guy's
thought it was highly amusing and wished that there were more such faux-pas
to spice up the academic press.
You ask your parents for help on one maths problem and 2 hours
later, they're still lecturing.
You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry.
Everybody thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your
ancestors are/were from.
You drive mostly Japanese cars.
At least once, you've started a joke with the phrase: "Confucius
said...."
You know what bok choy is.
Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Chinese,
like the ever so popular: ching cha wa woo bok chi ping ....
Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.
At least one member in your family wears black wire/plastic framed
glasses.
Your parents say, "Calculus?!! I took calculus in the 8th grade!!!"
Everybody thinks you know karate/tae kwon do.
Your parents' vocabulary is filled w/ "Ai-yah" and "Wah's".
You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other
imitation Chinese food.
You learned the birds and the bees from someone other than your
parents.
People see a bunch of scribbles on a pair of chopsticks and they ask
you to translate the funny Chinese words.
You will most likely be taller than your parents.
Your parents made you play the piano, the violin, or both.
You buy soy sauce by the gallon.
You have sticks, leaves, dried skin and strange-smelling, unknown
substances in your pantry for use as medicine.
Footnote Tips Kindly sent in by Karl Young
Engrish / Chinese Humour
Will and Guy have been researching how China prepared for the
Olympic Games in Beijing and have come across these photographs of funny Chinese
phrases, which we hope will amuse
you.
Confucius (551-479 BC) was a famous Chinese philosopher from the Zhou
Dynasty. He is the source of many aspects of Chinese culture and
beliefs. His style was to teach humanity through stories with
moral or philosophical point, his subject matter encompassed ethics,
people's relationships, politics, justice, and sincerity.
Two examples of true Confucius philosophy are: I hear, I know. I
see, I remember. I do, I understand. A journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step.
What has happened in the last 75 years or so is that Confucius's
philosophy and style have been hi-jacked for a western interpretation of
Chinese jokes. Mao banned Confucianism which probably increased
its popularity, particularly in the West.
Will and Guy Ten Favourite Clean Confucius Jokes
»
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
He who put face in fruit drink get punch in the nose.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas.
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's
left.
Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
Man become old when he watch food instead of waitress.
Man who dream of eating giant mushroom - wake up with no pillow.
Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's
sink.
When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open
mouth and remove all doubt.
Footnote: Please send us your funny Chinese words and
phrases.
Will and Guy have created this guide for those of you who will venture into
the English county known as Essex, where they have a language all of their own.
This Essex is in the UK, not far from London, and the accent is not unlike
cockney, but without the rhyming slang.
We recommend that you speak each phrase or word out loud before reading the
translation which we have supplied:
alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item:
how much is it?
amant - Quantity; sum total ('Thez a yuge amant of mud in
Saffend'): amount
assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness or
disability: housebound
awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more
likely lost ('That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day'): horse
branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ('Ere,
Trace, ya look branna today, 'ave you been on sunbed?'): browner
cort a panda - A rather large hamburger: quarter
pounder
Dan in the maff - Unhappy ('Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit
Dan in the maff'): down in the mouth
eye-eels - Women's shoes: heels
Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre:
Thurrock
garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: 'Oi,
Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper'):
garage
Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island: Ibiza
lafarjik - Lacking in energy ('I feel all lafarjik'):
lethargic
»
OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway
of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs: hello
paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport: newspaper
reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after
rejection by a lover ('I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig'):
rebound
Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure
pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera,
Eastenders go on holiday: Southend
tan - The city of London, the big smoke: town
webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ('Webbats
is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour'): whereabouts
wonnid - Desired, needed or Wanted by the police:
wanted
zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better
than it actually is. ('I told ya a fazzand times already'): exaggerate
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