Funny Teachers Tales

Funny Teachers Tales

What was Camelot famous for?  Its knight life!

• History and Maths Lesson
• History Lesson
• Teacher's Excuse Notes
• Schoolboy Howlers
• Will Richard Notice?  - Funny Pupil Tale
• Some Funny Teachers' Tales
• What My Mother Taught Me (Good)

History and Maths Lesson

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede*. They gather around the guide who says, 'This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.'

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, 'When did that happen?'
'1215, 'answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, 'Gee whiz - Just missed it by a half hour.'

Footnote:

*The Runneymede meadows are on the banks of the Thames, in the county of Berkshire, England.  Fortunately, the land is now owned and preserved by the National Trust.

History Lesson

Teacher: 'Jimmy........ who was Anne Boleyn?'  Jimmy: 'She was a flat-iron.'

Teacher: 'What on earth do you mean?' Jimmy: 'Well, it says here in the history book, 'Henry VIII, having disposed of Catherine of Aragon, pressed his suit with Anne Boleyn.'

Memorable Science Lesson

Will Richard Notice?  - Funny Pupil Tale

Richard, a fresher, at USC [University of Southern California] 'phoned his Mother one evening from his college room and asked her for some money because he was flat broke.

His Mother sighed, 'OK, Richard. I will send you some money. Then she added, 'Oh by the way, you also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?'

'Ummm, oh yeah, you better, yes, OK,' Richard replied vaguely.

So his Mum wrapped the book along with the cheques in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she returned, Dad inquired, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time?'

'Oh, I wrote two cheques, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him.'

'That's $1020!' yelled Dad, 'Are you mad, have you gone totally bonkers?'

'Don't worry darling,' Richard's Mother answered with a wide grin, 'I taped the $20 cheque to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!'

Some Funny Teachers' Tales

Mr Peter Whittaker, a school teacher, injured his back playing soccer one holiday and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body for a week or so; it fitted under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the new term, still with the cast under his shirt, Mr Whittaker found himself assigned to the toughest students in Wallington School. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, Mr Whittaker took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline at Wallington School ever after.

The Lord's Prayer - Update by Rebecca

Carolyn was teaching her 3 year old daughter, Rebecca, the Lord's prayer.  For several evenings at bedtime Rebecca repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo.  Carolyn, as all mothers would, listened with pride as Rebecca carefully enunciated each word right up to the end, 'Lead us not into temptation' she prayed, 'but deliver us some e-mail, Amen.'

Teacher's Excuse Notes

• Mary-Ann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
• Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Schoolboy Howlers

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'And you, you brute'

Computers Enable Children To Tell Jokes In School

Will and Guy have found out that new computer software program has been developed that can tell jokes. The software is known as The System to Augment Non-speakers' Dialogue Using Puns [ acronym = Standup].The programme allows the youngsters to generate puns, helping them overcome language barriers.

It has been developed by researchers at Aberdeen, Dundee and Edinburgh Universities and successfully trialled by eight pupils at a Glasgow school in Scotland. The system was created in response to research which found that computerised speech aids could restrict the development of a child's language skills as their speech tends to stick to the essentials and lacks spontaneity.

The software creates the opportunity for puns using dictionaries and information about words. This enables children to amuse family and friends with jokes as the computer acts as a helper to the child, by letting them browse through joke forms and try out words and phrases

What My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
   'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
   'You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL.
   'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
   'Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
   'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
   'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
   'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
   'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
   'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    'If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
    'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
    'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
    'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
    'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
    'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you'.

Footnote:
We would be most interested in your funny teacher's tales.

See more funny school jokes, schoolboy howlers and teacher's tales:

• Funny school jokes   • Teachers' stories    • More teachers tales   • Funny excuse notes

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