Teachers Tales

Teachers Tales

What was Camelot famous for?  Its knight life!

• History and Maths Lesson
• History Lesson
• Teacher's Excuse Notes
• Schoolboy Howlers
• What My Mother Taught Me (Good)

History and Maths Lesson

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede*. They gather around the guide who says, 'This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.'

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, 'When did that happen?'
'1215, 'answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, 'Gee whiz - Just missed it by a half hour.'

Footnote:

*The Runneymede meadows are on the banks of the Thames, in the county of Berkshire, England.  Fortunately, the land is now owned and preserved by the National Trust.

History Lesson

Teacher: 'Jimmy........ who was Anne Boleyn?'  Jimmy: 'She was a flat-iron.'

Teacher: 'What on earth do you mean?' Jimmy: 'Well, it says here in the history book, 'Henry VIII, having disposed of Catherine of Aragon, pressed his suit with Anne Boleyn.'

Archaeologist

An archaeologist is a person whose career lies in ruins.

Teacher's Excuse Notes

• Mary-Ann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
• Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Schoolboy Howlers

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'And you, you brute'

What My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
   'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
   'You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL.
   'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
   ' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
   'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
   'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
   'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
   'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
   'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    'If I’ve told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
    'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
    'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
    'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
    'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
    'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you'.

• More of Will and Guy's best clean jokes for August

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