Funny Train Jokes and Assorted Stories

Will and Guy's Funny Train Jokes and Assorted Stories

• Wrong Train
• Technical 'Squawk' Sheet for Trains
• Another Funny Train Joke
• Pinot Wines
• Right Neighbourly
• The Cadge
• Waggish Railway Train Jokes

Wrong Train

A few years ago, I decided to visit my sister who was living in France. I assumed that most French would speak English. I found that many people spoke only their own language and this included the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making several expansive gestures. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American tourist, also on the train, leaned forward and asked if I spoke French.

'No', I admitted.

'Then that explains', she said, 'why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train.'

Technical 'Squawk' Sheet for Trains

This is a technical publication squawk sheet left by the train crew.  At great expense Will and Guy have unearthed the answers:

Report:  Something loose in cab.
Answer: Something tightened in cab.

Report:  Evidence of leak in crankcase.
Answer: Evidence removed.

Report:  Dynamic brakes don't work at any speed.
Answer: This locomotive is not equipped with dynamic brake.

Report:  Alternator volume unbelievably loud.
Answer: Volume set to more believable level.

Report:  Locomotive dances up and down when brake applied at 89 mph
Answer: Could not reproduce problem in engine house.

Report:  Dead bugs on windshield.
Answer: Live bugs on order.

Report:  Parking brake cause throttle lever to stick.
Answer: That's what it's there for.

Report:  Engine missing.
Answer: Engine found under hood after brief search.

Report:  Locomotive handles funny.
Answer: Locomotive given verbal warning to be serious.

Report:  Radio hums.
Answer: Reprogrammed radio with the words.

Another Funny Train Joke

Roger was on a train, mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand. After a moment of silence, he would go through the same process ... mumble, smile, raise hand, silence.

Maggie watched this closely, and after about ¼ an hour, she said, in a concerned voice, 'Excuse me. Is anything the matter?'

'Oh, no,' Roger answered. 'It's just that these long trips get very tedious so I tell myself jokes.'

'Why then, inquired Maggie, 'do you keep raising your hand?'

'Well,' smiled Roger, 'that's to interrupt myself because I've heard that joke before.'

Pinot Wines

There are many 'pinot' wines on the market these days: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio are but a few.

There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as .... Pinot More.

Right Neighbourly

Archie, a successful business man becomes fed up with all the stress of big city life and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and buys a large ranch in the middle of the outback, just north of Barossa Valley in South Australia.

After a couple of months of enjoying the quietness and solitude he hears the drumming of hoofs outside his home. Seizing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse, 'G' day neighbour, hold it right there.'

The rider says, 'I'm your neighbour, I have a ranch only 20 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting..... we'll have a great time.'

Not wanting to be unfriendly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, 'How should I dress?'

'Blimey, mate, it don't matter, 'replied the neighbour, 'There's only gonna be the two of us.'

The Cadge

Every time, Peter, the man next door headed toward Paul's house, Paul knew he was coming to borrow something, he was always doing so and it was driving him mad.

'Peter won't get away with it this time, 'muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, 'Watch this.'

'Er, I wonder if you' d be using your hedge trimmer this morning?' asked Paul the neighbour.

'Crikey, I'm terribly sorry, 'said Paul with a smug look, 'but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day.'

'In that case, 'smiled Peter, 'you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?'

Short, Funny, Silly, Jocular and Waggish Railway Train Jokes

Great Send-off

Young Gordon was with his parents and they were taking refreshments in the bar at Reading station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had just missed the train.

'The next train is in one hour,' intoned the stationmaster.

The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink, Gordon had a coke. Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away.

'Next one is sixty minutes from now,' grunted the stationmaster.

An hour later, Gordon, with his mum and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously.

'Your parents just left you,' said the stationmaster. 'Why are you laughing?'

Gordon smiled, 'They only came to see me off.'

An Enlightening Case

 In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

'Congratulations,' the lawyer remarked to the engineer when it was over. 'You did superbly under cross-examination.'

'Thanks,' the engineer murmured, 'but he sure had me worried.'
'How's that?' the lawyer inquired.

'I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit.'

Time Gentleman Please

'What's the use of you having a timetable if your stupid trains never stick to it?' demanded Paul of the stationmaster.

'Well, sir,' rejoined the railwayman to Paul, 'how would you even know they were running late if not for the timetable?'  

 An American, an Englishman and an Australian...

 An American, an Englishman and an Australian were travelling on a train from Doncaster, England to London.

The trip which normally takes over 6 hours could be boring and tedious, so the Aussie asked his companions if anyone was carrying a packet of playing cards to while away the time. No one had the required ingredients to be able to play Poker, but the American suggested that a game of charades would help to pass the time.

'What the hell is charades?' queried the Australian.

'I will give you clues about a popular film by miming and doing hands gestures, while you will try to name the movie. The main rule is that the person doing the charade must remain silent,' explained the American. He then started the game by getting a piece of paper from his briefcase and throwing it out of the window of the moving train.

'I know, I know,' claimed the Englishman, 'Gone With The Wind.'

Now it was the Englishmen turn to have a shot at the game. He stood up on his seat and with both fists he started to hit his chest and pulling his face.

'Oh! That's King Kong!' the American exclaimed. He then got of his seat and started to kick frantically with his hands and feet.

'Easy,' shouted interrupted him the Englishman, 'Karate Kid.'

Charade followed charade and then the train had arrived at its halfway stop at Peterborough. The Australian had not manage to guess any of the titles and was feeling very inferior. As the train stopped at the station he quickly grabbed his companion's suitcases and bolted to the door.

'Oy! What do you think you're doing?' screamed the other two in one voice.

'The Great Train Robbery,' the Aussie bellowed as he disappeared out of the train and down the platform at a run.

Footnote:
Please send us your train jokes.

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