Yorkshire Jokes and Funny Stories

Yorkshire Jokes and Funny Stories

Yorkshire people are a very particular breed: they can be dour, they speak their minds and they are hard working, friendly and kind. Yorkshire people refer to their county as 'God’s own county,' and indeed can boast some of the most beautiful countryside in Britain.

Will and Guy have attempted to give you a taste of Yorkshire humour through the following jokes:

• Unlawful and Illegal
• Classic Yorkshire Culture
• Yorkshire Cricket Joke
• Duke of Wellington - by Stanley Holloway

Unlawful and Illegal

Bob: What's the difference between unlawful and illegal Arnold?
Arnold: Umm, illegal is against the law and unlawful is umm, when something takes place that is not necessarily against the law.

Bob: Ayup, lad. You know this is actually supposed to be comedy now. Your answer was supposed to be, 'I don't know Bob, what is the difference between unlawful and illegal?' You're rubbish at this, you want to stick to carpentry, mate.
Arnold: Well you see I'm a very intelligent person and I'm thinking of the intellectual response to that question not the umm, comical one. OK, I'll give you the comical response now.

Bob: Let me ask you the question again: What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
Arnold: I don't know, what is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
Bob: Unlawful is against the law, and illegal is a sick bird.

Ayup - Footnote

'Ayup', by the way, is an all purpose Yorkshire word that means Hello, How are you? Whassup? What are you up to? Look at this, Oy!, Gerroff, See that? Bloody hell! Are you listening? Watch out, Where you been? Pay attention, Wake up.........................

Clean Moon

Peter: Why have women never been to the moon?
Howard: I'm thinking.  I have a question for you Peter, why have women never been to the moon?
Peter: 'cause it never needed cleaning!

Classic Yorkshire Culture

'Open All Hours' is a British television production in which Ronnie Barker and David Jason play typical Yorkshire folk. The realistic 'Northern' character of the humour and characters is suggested as a reason for the success of the programme.

Yorkshire Cricket Joke

A Yorkshire man had emigrated to America, but still used to receive news from home by mail.

One day, he got the following telegram: 
'Regret father died this morning STOP
Early hours. Funeral Wednesday STOP
Yorkshire two hundred and one for six STOP
Boycott not out ninety six.'

See our Yorkshire Airlines video

Duke of Wellington - by Stanley Holloway

The following poem is, in fact, a traditional folk song which was written in 1929 and made famous by the actor Stanley Holloway [1890-1982]  It is about the period before the Duke of Wellington’s famous battle at Waterloo against Napoleon in 1815.

If you are able, it is probably best read in a northern accent:

Sam, Sam, Pick Up Tha Musket

It occurred on the evening before Waterloo,
As troops were lined up on parade.
And sergeant inspecting 'em, he were a terror,
Of whom every man were afraid.
 
All excepting one man, he were in't front rank,
A man by t'name of Sam Small.
And he and t'sergeant were both daggers drawn,
They thought nowt of each other at all.
 
As sergeant walked past he was swinging his arms,
And he happened to brush against Sam.
And knocking t'musket clean out of 'is hand,
It fell t'ground wi' a slam.
 
'Pick it up!' said sergeant, abrupt like, but cool.
But Sam wi' a shake of 'is 'ead.
Said 'Seeing as tha knocked it out of my hand,
P'rhaps tha'll pick t' thing up instead.
 
Sam, Sam, pick up tha musket!
The sergeant exclaimed with a roar.
Sam said tha' knocked it down reasonin'
Tha'll pick it up, or it stays, where t'is on the floor.
 
The sound of high words very soon reached
The ears of an officer, Lieutenant Bird.
Who says to the sergeant 'Now what's all this 'ere?',
And the sergeant told what had occurred.
 
'Sam, Sam, pick up thy musket !',
Lieutenant exclaimed with some heat.
Sam says he knocked it down, reasonin he picks it up,
Or it stays where't is at my feet.
 
It caused quite a stir when the Captain arrived,
To find out the cause of the trouble,
And every man there all, excepting old Sam,
Was full of excitement and bubble.
 
'Sam, Sam, pick up thy musket!',
Said Captain, for strictness renowned.
Sam says he knocked it down, reasonin he picks it up,
Or it stays where't is on the ground.
 
The same thing occurred when the Major and Colonel
Both tried to get Sam to see sense.
But when old Duke of Wellington came into view,
Well then the excitement was tense.
 
Up rode the Duke on a lovely white horse
To 'Find out the cause of the bother.'
He looked at the musket, and then at old Sam,
And he talked to old Sam like a brother.
 
'Sam, Sam, pick up thy musket', the Duke
Said as quiet as could be,
'Sam, Sam-Sam-Sam, pick up thy musket.',
Come on lad just to please me.
 
All right Duke says old Sam just for thee I'll oblige,
And to show thee I meant no offence.
So Sam picked it up. 'Gradely lad.' said the Duke.
'Righto boys let battle commence.'

Footnote: If you can provide some examples of Yorkshire wit please feel free to contact us.

• Have you seen our Yorkshire Airlines video?
• More of Will and Guy's best clean jokes for August

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