Funny New Year Resolutions - Diet Diary

Funny New Year Resolutions

He who breaks a (New Year) resolution is a weakling;
He who makes one is a fool.  F.M. Knowles

• Diet to start the New Year
• Diet Diary
• Ode to January
• Diet - A Weigh of Life
• More Funny New Year Resolutions
• Top 10 New Year's Resolutions

Diet to Start the New Year

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day. I have found that this really works!!

BREAKFAST
* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

FINALLY REMEMBER:

• "Stressed" spelled backwards is desserts".
• Send this to four women and you will lose 2 kilograms.
• Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10 kilograms.
• IF you delete this message you will gain 10 kilograms.

Another Funny New Year Resolution - Diet Diary

The following is a diary extract from a friend of ours [Lorna - sorry, I said I wouldn't] who gained weight during December's festivities and now needs to work it off so as to get into her clothes.

Also all those of you out there joining fitness classes and clubs as a New Year resolution should, perhaps, read this first:

Dear Diet Diary

As a Christmas present this year, my daughter, Cresley [what a thoughtful darling] bought for me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in reasonable shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Juan Antonio [ooh what a name] who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Juan Antonio waiting for me.   He is something of a Greek god: he has curly hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Yippee!

Juan Antonio gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Juan Antonio [call me Tony by now] was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my stomach was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FABULOUS week!   My New Year resolutions will be easy.

Tuesday

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tony made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Later he put weights on it. My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tony's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Tony was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tony put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Tony told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other garbage too.

Thursday

Tony was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. That man then took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent a skinny woman to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday

I hate that man, Toady or whatever his name is, more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. He is a stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little bighead. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Toady wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the flippin' barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on the health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday

That person, that Toady, left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday

I'm having the Church bus collect me up so I can go to services today and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Cresley [the cruel, whingeing creep] will choose a gift for me that is fun: like root canal treatment or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!

Some More Funny New Year Resolutions

Ode To January - Kindly sent by Alicia Moss

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt -

I said to myself, as I only can 'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'

So - away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Funny New Year Resolutions

• I will polish my pate - Bald person
• I will do less laundry and use more deodorant. - Executive
• I will not regale the same yarn at every get together. - Incorrigible bore
• I will remember that 'Cream Cake Day' is on the 29th of every month. - Foodie
• Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. - Anonymous
• Finally, remember: A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

New Year's Resolutions by Fido

• I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.
• I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance all over the back yard with it.
• I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think that I am hemorrhaging.
• I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
• I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the house.

Finally, Some Serious New Year's Resolutions - Top Tips for Men and Women

Men:
1) Set the goal yourself, rather than someone in your life dictating the new year resolutions.

2) Make only one new resolution.  Make our goal specific and personal.

3) Make a 'Pro' and 'Con' list.  Review each week.

4) Make a commitment to do something new, rather than stop something old.

Women:
1) Tell other people, especially other women friend what are your new year resolutions.

2) Plan ahead, make your new year's resolution straight after Boxing Day.

3) Don't blame yourself when you falter.  Just start again.

4) Reward yourself when you succeed.

Top 10 New Year's Resolutions

1. Spend more time with the family.
2. Take more exercise - Get fit.
3. Lose (loose!) weight.
4. Give up smoking (again).
5. Get out of dept.
6. Learn a new skill, take up a new hobby.
7. Put something into the community -help others.
8. Get organized.  Else buy shares in diary, or companies selling electronic planners!
9. Become more security conscious.
10. Give up drinking, at least for the first week of January!

Other Ideas for New Year Resolutions

• Always keep a joke book handy for times you have to wait
• Learn First Aid
• Give up a bad habit
• Forgive someone
• Start a journal or blog
• Research your family history
• Start collecting something interesting

Footnote:
Please send us your funny New Years resolutions.

See more New Year jokes and funny pictures:

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