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London Olympics Jokes

The London Olympics JokesLondon Olympic Jokes

Will and Guy present their collection of jokes, funny stories and amusing pictures for the London Olympics in 2012.

 
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Latest London Olympic Jokes

News from Somali's Olympic Pirates

News from the Olympic sailing .... The British took the gold, the Americans took the silver and the Somalians took a middle aged couple off the beach and are looking for a GBP 250 000 ransom.

The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two separate events.

Funny Quotes from The London 2012 Olympics

  • "The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash." - David Letterman
  • "Well, President Obama and first lady Michelle went to see the U.S. Olympic basketball team play Brazil the other day. And during the game, they were put on the kiss cam. At first, they didn't kiss and the crowd booed them. Then the camera went back to them. And they finally did kiss. Isn't that amazing? A politician in Washington caught on camera kissing a woman he's actually married to?" - Jay Leno
  • "Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform." - Jay Leno

Quotes that have been overtaken by events!

  • "Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt." - Stephen Colbert
  • "So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them." - Conan O'Brien
  • "Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." - Conan O'Brien

Will and Guy's London 2012 Olympic Jokes

  • The President of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the upcoming London Olympic Games.
    He told us, 'Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.'
  • At the Olympic Games, Rhoda meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick.
    'Excuse me,' says Rhoda to the man. 'Are you a pole vaulter?'
    'No,"' says the man, 'I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?'
  • Apparently the maid I hired to clean my house while I was watching the London Olympics was only second best.
    She just walked off with the silver.
  • Why isn't "sun tanning" an Olympic sport at London 2012? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.
  • Pete Jones turned up for the Olympics with some barbed wire under his arm, and came third in the fencing.
  • Olympic Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
  • Olympic Football commentator: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.
  • Olympic Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.
  • The Olympics motto is "Citius, Altius, Fortius," which, of course, is Greek for, "Go for the gold, but also try to keep your bones organized."
  • I could have been a great hockey player except for one thing: I kept falling down.
  • Where did some of these Winter Olympics events come from? Like the luge. How is sliding down a mountain on a cafeteria tray a sport?

A True English Rose - Funny English Yarn

There was a heat for the 200m Olympic women's breaststroke, and the eight women who entered the race were named Emily (Aus), Maggie (Nz), Liz (Aus), Jean (USA), Alice (Can), Wanda (Ger), Tina (Rom) and Rose (England).

After approximately 2 minutes and 10 seconds, Emily won the race, 5 seconds later, Maggie was declared the second place finisher.  Nearly 40 minutes later, Rose finally completed the race.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, 'I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.'

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10 Funny Olympic Commentating Howlers Interesting Olympic facts

  1. The Republic of China - back in the Olympic Games for the first time.
  2. And the line up for the final of the Women's 400 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman.  (Guy had to read the last word again FrenchMAN?)
  3. That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world record.
  4. Old Olympic skiers never die. They just go downhill.
  5. Paralympics: 'They're making great strides with their swimming'.
  6. The late start for this final is due to the time.
  7. Watch the time - it gives you an indication of just how fast they are running (Ron Pickering).
  8. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition does not like it.  In fact you can see it all over their faces". 
  9. You won't win silver medals at the Olympic Games unless you're the very, very best. - Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator.

10. Colemanballs
In the 1976 Montreal Olympics, Cuba's Alberto Juantorena won the 400 and 800m gold medal.

While describing the 800m race Ron Pickering said: 'And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class'.   See more Colemanballs

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More Funny Olympic Jokes

Two Englishmen Meet a German Tourist at the London OlympicsLondon Olympic Jokes

A German competitor was lost, and wanted directions to the Olympic village in Stratford, London.  He was standing outside East Ham tube station when he saw two lads walking by so he stops them and asks,  'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'  

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at the German.

'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?' He tries.

The two continue to stare.

'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The London lads remain totally silent.

The German Olympian walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood.  One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'

'Why?' says the youth, 'That German guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!'

Here Are Some More Funny Olympic "One-liners"  To Make You SmileLondon Olympic Jokes

  • Rain ... ... the official weather supplier to the London 2012 Olympic Games.
  • I always wanted to be an Olympic 400m runner but I heard there were too many hurdles.
  • Greece is really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
  • Olympics can inspire British children to get active. Or it can inspire British youngsters to sit on the sofa and watch the Olympics.
  • Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thoughts, fasting sounded good.
  • The Olympic organisers have advised people to watch out that they're not being sold fake 2012 Olympic tickets. I think I'll be alright though. My tickets for the men's wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough.
  • The Olympic Torch passed through my town. My 75 year-old neighbour turned to me and said, 'Not again.'
  • 2012 London Olympics: 84 medals with 25 golds - Guardian writers predict GB's haul. [Will and Guy hope this is no joke!]
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Five Best, Clean and Interesting Quotes by Olympians

  1. I was not talented enough to run and smile at the same time - Emil Zatopek, champion Czechoslovakian distance runner, when asked about unusual facial expression when running.
  2. The swimming and diving were held in part of the old moat ... it was the clammiest, darkest place and the water was frigid.  It looked bottomless and black - Alice Landon, American Diver, on facilities at the Antwerp Games of 1920.
  3. One shouldn't be afraid to lose; this is sport. One day you win; another day you lose. Of course, everyone wants to be the best.  This is normal. This is what sport is about. This is why I love it. - Oksana Baiul, Olympic Gold Medalist
  4. All I've done is run fast. I don't see why people should make much fuss about that - Dutch sprinter Fanny Blankers-Koen, who won four gold medals at the 1948 Games
  5. To anyone who has started out on a long campaign believing that the gold medal was destined for him, the feeling when, all of a sudden, the medal has gone somewhere else is quite indescribable. - Sebastian Coe, after losing the 800m final in 1980.

More Olympic jokes.

Funny Olympic Newspaper HeadlinesOlympic Steroid Jokes

Newspaper headlines before, during and after Jamaican-born Canadian sprinter, Ben Johnson, was found to have used illegal steroids.

  • First Headline: 'Canadian Sprinter Wins Gold in 100 Metres.'
  • Second Headline: 'Jamaican-Canadian Athlete Tests Positive for Steroids.'
  • Third Headline: 'Jamaican Athlete Stripped of Gold Medal.'
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Will and Guy's Funny and Interesting Olympic Trivia

  • Gold medals haven't been pure gold in years. The 1912 Olympics was the last time that gold medals were solid gold. Ever since, they've been silver with gold plating.
  • The first Paralympic Games was held in 1948. The name "Paralympics" comes from the words "Parallel" and "Olympics".
  • In 1900, in France, winners got paintings instead of gold medals. Gold, silver and bronze medals weren't given out until the third modern Olympics in 1904. The French gave the winners paintings because they believed they were more valuable.
  • The Beijing Olympics, 2008, began at exactly 8:08:08 PM on 8/8/08 because the number 8 is considered lucky in China.
  • In order for a sport to be considered for inclusion in the Olympics it must be 'widely practiced' by men in at least 75 countries and on four continents, and by women in at least 40 countries and on three continents.
    The reason the extra yards were added to the running distance of the marathon to make the total length a rather strange figure of 26 miles and 385 yards was because of the rather whimsical demand of Queen Alexandra of Great Britain, who demanded, in 1908, that the marathon should end below the royal box at London's White City Stadium, which added the extra 385 yards.
  • The First Marathon: In 490 BCE, Pheidippides, a Greek soldier, ran from Marathon to Athens [about 25 miles] to inform the Athenians the outcome of the battle with invading Persians. The distance was filled with hills and other obstacles; thus Pheidippides arrived in Athens exhausted and with bleeding feet. After telling the townspeople of the Greeks' success in the battle, Pheidippides fell to the ground dead. In 1896, at the first modern Olympic Games, held a race of approximately the same length in commemoration of Pheidippides.
  • Apparently, Will and Guy have learned that the athletes produce as much as two million pounds of dirty laundry. It would take a family of four, 264 years to complete this wash.
  • The Berlin Games in 1936 were the first games to be televised.
  • It wasn't until 1900 that women were allowed to participate in the Olympic Games.
  • In ancient times big sunhats were banned in the crowd, because they blocked other spectators' view.
  • The running track was 183m [200 yards] long. The Greeks called this measurement a stade - from which we get the word "stadium".London Olympics Womens Vacuum Race
  • In ancient times married women were prohibited from watching the Games under penalty of death.  But in 2012 ....

New Olympic Event

London 2012 Introduces a New Race
The 400m Women's Vacuum Race --->

See more about Olympics 2012 

 

Five Fabulous Funny Short Olympic Jokes

  1. Former President Bush gave a rousing inspirational speech yesterday to the USA Olympics Fencing team. Bush told the athletes, 'Now go out there and build that fence.' - Conan O'Brien
  2. Nastia Luikin won the gold in the woman's all-around event in gymnastics. The competition was nasty, but she was Nastia.
  3. Why isn't sun tanning an Olympic sport?
    Because the best you can ever get is bronze.
  4. A javelin thrower called Vicky
    Found the grip of her javelin sticky.
    When it came to the throw
    She couldn't let go
    Making judging the distance quite tricky.
  5. Heard on the BBC News: 'The Olympic Countdown Clock has stopped, I think it's a wind-up.'   See more from BBC Olympics

Ten True, Funny and Amazing Past Olympic Events

  1. The very first recorded Ancient Olympic Games took place in 776 BC. The event was a 'stadion' race - a foot race equivalent to a 190m or 208yard dash. The winner was a humble baker from the Greek city state of Elis named Coroebus [ Koroibos]. For the first 13 games, the stadion race was the only competition. At the 14th Ancient Olympic Games, a double race was added. Olympics Phelps Record Medals
  2. American swimmer Michael Phelps holds both the record for most gold medals won in a year, eight, and most career gold medals with 14.
  3. The early Olympic Games included competitions for trumpeters.
  4. Rope Climbing took place in the following years: 1908 1924, 1932. Rudimentary gym skills were all it took to win Olympic gold in the early 20th century it appears, as this event basically consisted of shimmying up a rope.
  5. Club Swinging occurred in 1904 and 1932. This consisted of swinging a club festooned with ribbons around your body and head. Strange but true.
  6. Tug-of-War between 1900 -1920.  Indeed this trickiest of sports favoured by rather overweight beer drinkers in pubs was actually considered an Olympic event. We hear competitive tug-of-war gave way to another short-lived event: the 40m three-legged race.
    Live Pigeon Shooting took place in the 1900 Paris Games. Over 300 pigeons were slaughtered in an orgy of blood and feathers. Though it's in dispute as to whether the event was sanctioned by the Olympic council, there's no disputing that Parisian sidewalks were cleaner for a brief period at the turn of the century. Running Deer Single Shot was practised between the years 1906 and 1936. It was considered more humane than the pigeon shoot because contestants fired at moving paper targets only.
  7. In wrestling at the Stockholm Games in 1912, the light heavyweight final between a Swede, Anders Ahlgren, and a Finn, Ivar Bohling, lasted nine hours. Since neither had gained an advantage over the other, no gold medal was awarded. Each received a silver medal.
  8. Motor boating was an official sport at the 1908 Olympics. It was frowned upon because the competitors were often out of sight of the watching crowds.
  9. Polo was played at the Olympics in 1900, 1908, 1920, 1924, and 1936.
  10. Milo of Kroton, one of the greatest Ancient Olympic champions. He won the wrestling event 6 times, over a span of 34 years. [The famous wrestler Milo was said to train by carrying a calf every day.  As the calf grew heavier, his muscles got stronger.]

 

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