News from the Olympic sailing .... The British took the gold, the
Americans took the silver and the Somalians took a middle aged couple
off the beach and are looking for a GBP 250 000 ransom.
The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on
behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two
Funny Quotes from The London 2012 Olympics
"The European countries are really hoping to do well in the
Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash." -
"Well, President Obama and first lady Michelle went to see the
U.S. Olympic basketball team play Brazil the other day. And during
the game, they were put on the kiss cam. At first, they didn't kiss
and the crowd booed them. Then the camera went back to them. And
they finally did kiss. Isn't that amazing? A politician in
Washington caught on camera kissing a woman he's actually married
to?" - Jay Leno
"Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA
Olympic uniform." - Jay Leno
Quotes that have been overtaken by events!
"Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we
win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt." -
"So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and
gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the
medals off to the kids who made them." - Conan O'Brien
"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't
doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just
have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy
is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." - Conan
The President of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not
participate in the upcoming London Olympic Games. He told us,
'Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left
At the Olympic Games, Rhoda meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long
metal stick. 'Excuse me,' says Rhoda to the man. 'Are you a pole
vaulter?' 'No,"' says the man, 'I'm German, but how did you
know my name is Walter?'
Apparently the maid I hired to clean my house while I was
watching the London Olympics was only second best. She just
walked off with the silver.
Why isn't "sun tanning" an Olympic sport at London 2012? Because
the best you can ever get is bronze.
Pete Jones turned up for the Olympics with some barbed wire under his
arm, and came third in the fencing.
Olympic Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
Olympic Football commentator: If history repeats itself, I should
think we can expect the same thing again.
Olympic Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.
The Olympics motto is "Citius, Altius, Fortius," which, of course, is
Greek for, "Go for the gold, but also try to keep your bones organized."
I could have been a great hockey player except for one thing: I kept
Where did some of these Winter Olympics events come from? Like the
luge. How is sliding down a mountain on a cafeteria tray a sport?
There was a heat for the 200m Olympic women's
breaststroke, and the eight women who entered the race were named Emily
Maggie (Nz), Liz (Aus), Jean (USA), Alice (Can), Wanda (Ger), Tina (Rom) and Rose
After approximately 2 minutes and 10 seconds, Emily won the race, 5
seconds later, Maggie was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 40
minutes later, Rose finally completed the race.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race,
she replied, 'I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those
two other girls were using their arms.'
The Republic of China - back in the Olympic Games
for the first time.
And the line up for the final of the Women's 400
metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a
Swede and a Frenchman. (Guy had to read the last word again
That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as
fast as the world record.
Old Olympic skiers never die. They just go
Paralympics: 'They're making great strides with their swimming'.
The late start for this final is due to the time.
Watch the time - it gives you an indication of just how fast
they are running (Ron Pickering).
Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition does
not like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces".
You won't win silver medals at the Olympic
Games unless you're the very, very best. - Pat Glenn, weightlifting
10. Colemanballs In the 1976 Montreal
Olympics, Cuba's Alberto Juantorena won the 400 and 800m gold medal.
While describing the 800m race Ron Pickering said: 'And there goes Juantorena
down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class'.
See more Colemanballs
More Funny Olympic Jokes
Meet a German Tourist at the London Olympics
A German competitor was lost, and wanted directions to the Olympic village in
Stratford, London. He was standing outside East Ham tube station when he saw two
lads walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'
The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at the German.
'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?'
The two continue to stare.
Still absolutely no response from
the two lads.
'Hablan ustedes Espanol?'
The London lads remain totally silent.
The German Olympian walks off extremely
disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of
the boys turns to the second and says, 'You know, maybe we should learn a
'Why?' says the youth, 'That German guy knew four languages, and it didn't
do him any good!'
Here Are Some More Funny Olympic "One-liners" To Make You
Rain ... ... the official weather supplier to the London 2012
I always wanted to be an Olympic 400m runner but I heard there
were too many hurdles.
Greece is really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win
gold medals, they can use them as cash.
Olympics can inspire British children to get active. Or it can
inspire British youngsters to sit on the sofa and watch the
Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim
athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling
the British food, they said, on second thoughts, fasting sounded
The Olympic organisers have advised people to watch out that
they're not being sold fake 2012 Olympic tickets. I think I'll be
alright though. My tickets for the men's wheelchair triple jump seem
The Olympic Torch passed through my town. My 75 year-old
neighbour turned to me and said, 'Not again.'
2012 London Olympics: 84 medals with 25 golds - Guardian writers
predict GB's haul. [Will and Guy hope this is no joke!]
I was not talented enough to run and
smile at the same time - Emil Zatopek, champion Czechoslovakian distance
runner, when asked about unusual facial expression when running.
swimming and diving were held in part of the old moat ... it was the
clammiest, darkest place and the water was frigid. It looked bottomless
and black - Alice Landon, American Diver, on facilities at the
Antwerp Games of 1920.
One shouldn't be afraid to lose; this is
sport. One day you win; another day you lose. Of course, everyone wants
to be the best. This is normal. This is what sport is about. This is why
I love it. - Oksana Baiul, Olympic Gold Medalist
All I've done is
run fast. I don't see why people should make much fuss about that -
Dutch sprinter Fanny Blankers-Koen, who won four gold medals at the 1948
To anyone who has started out on a long campaign believing
that the gold medal was destined for him, the feeling when, all of a
sudden, the medal has gone somewhere else is quite indescribable. -
Sebastian Coe, after losing the 800m final in 1980.
Newspaper headlines before, during and after Jamaican-born Canadian
sprinter, Ben Johnson, was found to have used illegal steroids.
First Headline: 'Canadian Sprinter Wins Gold in 100 Metres.'
Second Headline: 'Jamaican-Canadian Athlete Tests Positive for
Third Headline: 'Jamaican Athlete Stripped of Gold Medal.'
Will and Guy's Funny and Interesting Olympic Trivia
Gold medals haven't been pure gold in years. The 1912 Olympics
was the last time that gold medals were solid gold. Ever since,
they've been silver with gold plating.
The first Paralympic Games was held in 1948. The name
"Paralympics" comes from the words "Parallel" and "Olympics".
In 1900, in France, winners got paintings instead of gold
medals. Gold, silver and bronze medals weren't given out until the
third modern Olympics in 1904. The French gave the winners paintings
because they believed they were more valuable.
The Beijing Olympics, 2008, began at exactly 8:08:08 PM on
8/8/08 because the number 8 is considered lucky in China.
In order for a sport to be considered for inclusion in the
Olympics it must be 'widely practiced' by men in at least 75
countries and on four continents, and by women in at least 40
countries and on three continents. The reason the extra yards
were added to the running distance of the marathon to make the total
length a rather strange figure of 26 miles and 385 yards was because
of the rather whimsical demand of Queen Alexandra of Great Britain,
who demanded, in 1908, that the marathon should end below the royal
box at London's White City Stadium, which added the extra 385 yards.
The First Marathon: In 490 BCE, Pheidippides, a Greek soldier,
ran from Marathon to Athens [about 25 miles] to inform the Athenians
the outcome of the battle with invading Persians. The distance was
filled with hills and other obstacles; thus Pheidippides arrived in
Athens exhausted and with bleeding feet. After telling the
townspeople of the Greeks' success in the battle, Pheidippides fell
to the ground dead. In 1896, at the first modern Olympic Games, held
a race of approximately the same length in commemoration of
Apparently, Will and Guy have learned that the athletes produce
as much as two million pounds of dirty laundry. It would take a
family of four, 264 years to complete this wash.
The Berlin Games in 1936 were the first games to be televised.
It wasn't until 1900 that women were allowed to participate in the
In ancient times big sunhats were banned in the crowd, because
they blocked other spectators' view.
The running track was 183m
[200 yards] long. The Greeks called this measurement a stade - from
which we get the word "stadium".
In ancient times married women were prohibited from watching the
Games under penalty of death. But in 2012 ....
New Olympic Event
London 2012 Introduces a New Race The 400m Women's Vacuum Race --->
The very first recorded Ancient Olympic Games took place in 776
BC. The event was a 'stadion' race - a foot race equivalent to a
190m or 208yard dash. The winner was a humble baker from the Greek
city state of Elis named Coroebus [ Koroibos]. For the first 13
games, the stadion race was the only competition. At the 14th
Ancient Olympic Games, a double race was added.
American swimmer Michael Phelps holds both the record for most
gold medals won in a year, eight, and most career gold medals with
The early Olympic Games included competitions for trumpeters.
Rope Climbing took place in the following years: 1908 1924, 1932. Rudimentary gym skills were all it took to win
Olympic gold in the early 20th century it appears, as this event
basically consisted of shimmying up a rope.
Club Swinging occurred in 1904 and 1932. This consisted of
swinging a club festooned with ribbons around your body and head.
Strange but true.
Tug-of-War between 1900 -1920. Indeed this trickiest of
sports favoured by rather overweight beer drinkers in pubs was
actually considered an Olympic event. We hear competitive tug-of-war
gave way to another short-lived event: the 40m three-legged race.
Live Pigeon Shooting took place in the 1900 Paris Games. Over
300 pigeons were slaughtered in an orgy of blood and feathers.
Though it's in dispute as to whether the event was sanctioned by the
Olympic council, there's no disputing that Parisian sidewalks were
cleaner for a brief period at the turn of the century. Running Deer
Single Shot was practised between the years 1906 and 1936. It was
considered more humane than the pigeon shoot because contestants
fired at moving paper targets only.
In wrestling at the Stockholm Games in 1912, the light
heavyweight final between a Swede, Anders Ahlgren, and a Finn, Ivar
Bohling, lasted nine hours. Since neither had gained an advantage
over the other, no gold medal was awarded. Each received a silver
Motor boating was an official sport at the 1908 Olympics. It was
frowned upon because the competitors were often out of sight of the
Polo was played at the Olympics in 1900, 1908, 1920, 1924, and
Milo of Kroton, one of the greatest Ancient Olympic champions.
He won the wrestling event 6 times, over a span of 34 years. [The
famous wrestler Milo was said to train by carrying a calf every day.
As the calf grew heavier, his muscles got stronger.]
Footnote Please send us your funny Olympics jokes and
amusing pictures for London 2012.
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