Sir, if you were my husband, I'd poison your drink.
to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
Was Winston's reply.
Funny Sayings: Topics on This Page
Funny Quotes on Other Pages
While we have sifted through hundreds of jokes to present the best of
the best on this page, we do have specialist topics covering funny quotes
on these pages.
The only way to have a friend is to be one. Ralph Waldo Emerson
- The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity. But not in that order. Brian Pickrell
- If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison.
a lot faster with two people digging. Joe Martin
- I have
never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back. Charlie Brown
- To succeed in life, you need three things: a
wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. Reba McEntire
- His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.
- After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
- He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not
is a bigot. He that dare not is a slave. Andrew Carnegie
- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Anonymous
- 'I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.'
- Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
- A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an
exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to
- When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
If you haven't yet seen just the amusing saying you are looking
for, try our search box; we have funny quotes for all manner of topics
spread over 40 other pages on our site.
- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a
mistake when you make it again.
- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- You never truly understand something until you can explain it to
- Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word
for word what you shouldn't have said.
- Patience is the companion of wisdom. Saint Augustine
- The only way to have a friend is to be one. Ralph Waldo Emerson
- A bowl belongs to whoever needs it. A Native
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Anon
- Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk
because they have to say something. Plato
- See more
motivational thought of the day quotes.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me
over and said. 'Look ... twins!' Rodney Dangerfield
Another Batch of Amusing Yet Thought Provoking Quotes
- I have left orders to be awakened at any time in
case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
- We live in a Newtonian world of
Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic. David
- Avoid fruit and nuts.
You are what you eat.
- I went to the doctors the other day and I said,
'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
- There are two things that will be believed of any
man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink.
- Why is American beer served cold?
So you can
tell it from urine. David Moulton.
- The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual
pursuit that carries any reward. John Maynard Keynes
- No furniture so charming as books. Sydney Smith
- From the moment I picked your book up until I put it
down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
- Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
- A judge is a law student who marks his own
examination papers. HL Mencken
- Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer
when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by
a mad notion. Robertson Davies
- If you dig a hole for someone else, you'll fall into it.
- Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then
you don't have a leg to stand on.
- If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
- See more St
Patrick's Day quotes.
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