Funny Medical Jokes

Will and Guy have collected funny medical jokes from the disciplines of dentistry, podiatry and surgery.

Other Joke Sections

Funny Medical Jokes (On this page)

What should you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.

Framed

An old gentleman, whose name was Anil, thought his eyesight was deteriorating, so he decided to go to see an optometrist and have them tested.

Corinne, the optometrist, speaks to Anil, saying, 'All right, let's check you out. You sit down here on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and read that chart on the wall over there.'

Anil puts his left hand over his left eye. The optometrist says, 'No, no, no. Put your right hand over your right eye.'

Poor old Anil puts both hands over both eyes. Corinne is, by now, becoming annoyed.

Anil continues to do things badly and Corinne becomes angry and says, 'All right, I'll fix you!' she mutters. She takes a paper bag out of the cupboard, cuts one hole in it, puts it over Anil's head, and demands, 'Now, read that chart!'

Anil reads it perfectly. The optometrist takes the bag off, and Anil begins to cry like a baby. Corinne then barks, 'Now, what's the matter with you?'

'Well,' sobbed Anil, 'when I first came in here, I had my heart set on wire frames.'

An Ear Full - Or Not?

Hazel went to her family physician with her crying baby. Doctor Cassidy diagnosed right away that the baby had an earache and he wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, 'Put two drops in right ear every four hours', and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Hazel returned to the doctor after several days and complained that the baby still had an earache, but his bottom was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

Dr Cassidy was amazed and looked at the bottle of ear drops and realized immediately what had gone wrong. The Pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

New Will to Live

An elderly gentleman named Morris had had considerable hearing problems for a number of years. Naturally, Morris went to his doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that enabled Morris to hear perfectly.

Morris returned in a month to the doctor for his check up and was told, 'Morris, your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

Morris grinned, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times, already.'

The Diagnosis

Peter, an 82 year-old man, went to see Doctor Lucan to have a full physical check-up.

A few days later, Dr Lucan saw Peter walking through the village with a stunning young woman on his arm. The doctor turned to Peter and spoke quietly, but clearly, 'You're really doing well, aren't you?'

Peter smiled happily, 'Oh yes, but I'm only doing what you said, Doc, "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." '

Dr Lucan grimaced and retorted, 'I didn't say that, Peter. I said, "You've got a heart murmur; be careful." '

Funny Medical Jokes (Snippets from other pages)

Funny Doctor Quote

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to just know. Will Rogers

Doctor Makes a Pig's Ear of Operation Funny Doctor Quotes

Earlier this year Winston lost his ear. Luck would have it that it was replaced, with a pigs ear, by doctors. They cut it to size and made it look more human before sewing it, invisibly, in place.

Several weeks passed before Winston felt it necessary to return to his surgeons.

When he did, Winston complained bitterly, 'Doctor, I keep hearing this noise and its doing my head in. 'The doctor, totally unconcerned answered, 'Don't worry, its just a bit of crackling.'

A Good Medical Joke

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took some X-rays of a trauma patient and took the results to the senior radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

'I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Mark's Expert Tree Pruning Service.'

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, 'Cross out '~~expert~~.'

Patient Care

An element of the admission procedure in the hospital where Doctor Tim Westwood worked, was to ask the new patients if they suffered from any allergies.

If they did, Tim got it printed on a special 'allergy band' which was then placed on the patient's wrist as a reference for all other hospital employees. Patient Care - bananas

On one particular occasion Tim asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies. The old dear responded by saying that she was unable to eat bananas.

Tim received a considerable surprise later in the day when a very irate son came out of the ward demanding, 'Who's responsible for labelling my mother 'bananas'?'

That Killed Him - Heartbreaking Tale

What did the doctor mean by 'That killed him?'

Choosing the Right Dental Filling

A little boy called Josh was taken to the dentist. Examination revealed that Josh had a cavity, which needed filling.

'Now, young man,' asked the dentist, 'what kind of filling would you like for that tooth, amalgam or composite, ?'