Funny Retirement Stories
Here is Will and Guy's collection of short stories about giving up work and related humour topics. Ideal material for a leaving speech.
Funny Retirement Stories on This Page
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate hanging on the wall; it gave his full name. Thinking hard, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 36 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. 'Yes,' he replied.
'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
A group of Americans was travelling on a bus tour through France and were in the Loire Valley quite near to the town of Sancerre. They stopped at the nearby village of Chavignol and visited a cheese farm where the world famous 'Crottin de Chavignol' goat's cheese is made; their guide, who was the farmer's wife, led them through a process of cheese making, explaining how goat's milk was used.
Madame showed the group a picturesque hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. Madame then asked, turning to the group, 'What do you do in the USA with your old goats that aren't producing?'
One spry and very quick elderly gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours.'
Veteran's Bus Tour
The veteran's football team was being driven through Dublin in an open-top bus. The driver was giving a running commentary as they toured the city. 'We are just passing the biggest pub in Ireland', said the driver.
A voice piped up from the back of the bus piped up. 'Why?'
Visiting Doctor Ross last month Paula, a long retired schoolteacher, explained in some detail her problems while he listened very patiently.
'Now, Paula,' said Doctor Ross, 'you say you have shooting pains in your neck, aching knees, frequent dizzy spells, and constant nausea. Just for the record, how old are you?'
'Ah, yes,' Paula spoke brightly, 'I'll be 49 on my next birthday.'
'Really?' commented the doctor quietly, 'I see you have slight memory loss, too.'
High in the Himalayan mountains lived a wise old man. Periodically, he ventured down into the local village to entertain the villagers with his special knowledge and talents. One of his skills was to 'psychically' tell the villagers the contents in their pockets, boxes, or minds.
A few young boys from the village, decided to play a joke on the wise old man and discredit his special abilities.
One boy came up with the idea to capture a bird and hide it in his hands. He knew of course, the wise old man would know the object in his hands was a bird. The boy devised a plan.
Knowing the wise old man would correctly state the object in his hands was a bird, the boy would ask the old man if the bird was dead or alive. If the wise man said the bird was alive, the boy would crush the bird in his hands, so that when he opened his hands the bird would be dead; if the wise man said the bird was dead, the boy would open his hands and let the bird fly free. So no matter what the old man said, the boy would prove the old man a fraud.
The following week, the wise old man came down from the mountain into the village. The boy quickly caught a bird and cupping it out of sight in his hands, walked up to the wise old man and asked, 'Old man, old man, what is it that I have in my hands?'
The wise old man said, 'You have a bird,' and he was right.
The boy then asked, 'Old man, old man tell me, is the bird alive or is it
And so it is with your life.
A Confession - Funny Retirement Speech
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little leaving speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'
Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech.
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, 'said the politician.' In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession.'
For many one of the attractions of retirement is to play endless leisurely games of golf. For Will and Guy, golf and retirement represent a great opportunity for funny yarns.
'How was your game, dear?' Jacqui asked her husband, Tony, after he had returned from playing golf.
'Well, I was hitting the ball pretty well, but my eyesight's got so bad I couldn't see where it went,' Tony answered.
'That's not surprising,' Jacqui replied. 'After all, you are 76 years old, Tony. Why don't you take my brother Stewart along?'
'Because he's 87 and
doesn't play golf anymore,' Tony commented dryly.
The next day Tony teed off with Stewart looking on. Tony swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
'Can you see it?' demanded Tony.
'Well, where is it?' Tony asked, peering off into the
distance in search of the ball that was now out of his eyesight range.
How many retirees to change a light bulb?
['How true,' says Will's son. 'Can't think what he means,' says Will.]
Two elderly gentlemen, Tony and George, from the retirement day centre in Waterlooville, Hampshire, are sitting on a bench under a tree when Tony turns to George and says, 'Hey, George, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel these days?'
Tony replies with a glint in his eye, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really?' George sounds surprised. 'Like a newborn baby?'
'Yeah,' laughs Tony, 'No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
What's Important When Retired?
Jackie, an elderly lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind.
Edward, a gentleman approaches her and says, 'Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?'
'Yes, I know,' replies Jackie firmly, 'But I need my hands to hold onto my hat.'
'But madam,' remarks Edward, 'you must know that your derriere is exposed.'
Jackie looks directly at Edward, after a quick glance down and retorts, 'Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday.'
Amusing Yarns About Those Pensioned Off
One day a police panda car pulled up to Granny's home and Grampy got out. The constable explained that this elderly gentlemen had said he was lost in the Victoria park.
'Why, Ivor, 'said Granny, 'You've been going there for over 30 years! How on earth could you say you had got lost?'
Leaning close to Granny so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, 'Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.'
Stephanie, an elderly woman was telling her daughter, Joyce, about a date with a 90-year-old man. 'Believe it or not, I had to slap his face three times!' complained Stephanie with a smile.
'Do you mean that old man got fresh with you?' Joyce asked with disgust showing all over her face.
'Oh, no dear,' explained Stephanie, 'I had to keep slapping his face to keep him awake!
Down To Business
My wife said, 'Whaddya doing today?'
I said, 'Nothing.'
She said, 'You did that yesterday.'
I said, 'I haven't finished yet.'
Victoria, a middle aged mother, decided that she wasn't going to remind her kids any longer of their need to write thank-you notes when they received presents.
The result of this was that Grampy never received any thank-you letters for the very generous cheques he'd written to the children.
However, the following year, things were different. 'All the Kids came over personally to thank me,' declared Grampy in a triumphant manner.
'That's good,' commented his friend, 'why do you think they decided to change their behaviour?'
'Well, that's easy,' declared Grampy, 'this year I didn't sign the cheques.'
Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the Botley Grange Country Club.
'We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black,' announced Mrs Hickling.
'Oh dear,' uttered Mrs Packer, 'I'd better not go in that case.'
My forgetter's getting better,
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
Oft times I walk into a room,
At times I put something away
When shopping I may see someone,
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
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