Football Jokes (Soccer)

Will and Guy's Football Jokes

Two football fans are walking along the road when one of them picks
up a mirror. He looks in it and says, 'Hey, I know that bloke!'

The second one picks it up and says, 'Of course you do you idiot, it's me'.

• Do (No) Gooders
• Football Joke - Seat in Stand?
• Soccer's larger goals
• Leeds United - Special AutoRoute
• Robbery at West Ham
• A Game of Life and Death
• World Cup Football - Car Insurance

1) Do (No) Gooders

Patricia began her job in a secondary school as a counsellor and she was keen to help the pupils.

One day during break-time she noticed a girl standing all by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the children were enjoying a game of football [soccer] at the other end of the field.

Patricia approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said that she was.

Some time later, however, Patricia noticed that the girl was in exactly the same spot, still by herself. Going up to her again, 'Trish enquired, 'Would you like me to be your friend?'

The girl hesitated, then said, 'Alright,' while looking at Patricia with some suspicion.'

Feeling she was making progress, Pat then asked, 'Why are you standing here all alone?'

'Because,' the girl said with a large sigh, 'I'm the goalie!'

2) Football Joke -  Seat in Stand?

Bernie and Eddie were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United.  They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (K37) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.

One half-time Bernie went to the ticket office and asked if they could by buy the season ticket for K37.  The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold.  Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.

Then on Boxing day, much to Bernie and Eddie's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season.  Eddie could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season'.  Don't ask he said, the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.

2a) What a Dedicated Fan

Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool; Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat - next to Michael.

'Who does that seat belong to?' asked the person in the next seat.
'My wife usually sits there.'  Michael replied

'But why isn't she here?'  the neighbour persisted
'She died.'  Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.

'So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your mates?'
'They've all gone to the funeral.'  Said Michael.

3) Soccer's Larger Goals:

The BBC's Saturday lunchtime show 'Football Focus' broadcast a piece centred on the upcoming change of the size of goals. Using the then West Ham United manager, Harry Redknapp, the report claimed that the size of the goals would increase by two feet in height and four feet in length. Redknapp was being 'interviewed' on the training ground where his goalkeepers were getting to grips with bigger goals.

They told the truth on the following week's show, where outtakes of Redknapp messing up his lines were also shown.

4) Leeds United - Special AutoRoute for August 2007

Now with new routes to:

• Cheltenham,
• Northampton,
• Carlisle
• Doncaster and many more places never previously visited.
  For faster route finding the following cities have been deleted as they are not needed:
• Manchester
• Liverpool
• Sheffield and Barnsley
• Hull
• The entire North East (except Hartlepool)

The Birmingham / Wolverhampton area (except Walsall)
Now with new features on things to do in places like:

• Gillingham
• Swansea
• Crewe
• Tranmere

All for the special price of £49.95
(About the same as return coach, match ticket, programme and meat pie at Leyton Orient)

5) Robbery at West Ham

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen.

The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.

6) A Game of Life and Death

Bill Shankly, the late, legendary Liverpool FC manager reputedly said, 'Some people believe football is a matter of life and death. I'm very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.' It appears that this fan thinks much the same:

An Italian football fan has started putting up a grave every time his team loses a major match. Inter Milan fan, Massimo Pecorino, 52, has so far erected more than 20 gravestones on a local mountainside. He says grave mistakes can only be marked by a grave where he buries his hopes and dreams, near his home town of Cortona.

Pecorino said, 'Instead of enjoying a celebration I felt like I was at a funeral, so I spent the day carving out my fury on a stone.'

7) World Cup Football - Car Insurance

Car insurance companies in the UK will be pleased if England crash out of Euro 2008 in the early stages.

Based on information collated from the 2004 European championships it appears that England's drivers crash their cars more often on England match days. In 2004 crashes leapt by some 14% generally during the whole tournament. Accident figures when England played against Portugal and lost on penalties rose by over 51%.

P.S. Please write to Will and Guy if you have any football jokes

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