Funny Football Stories

Will and Guy's Funny Football Stories

Here we have a selection of funny football stories.  Most are from the UK, but we are keen to add funny foreign football stories.

• Medical School
• Portsmouth v Southampton
• Footballer transferred for 15 kg of sausage meat
• Ridiculous
• Generous gesture from star soccer player
• Take His Name Referee
• Football History - First Football Story

1) Medical School

A medical professor had just finished a lecture on the subject of mental health and started to give an oral quiz to the first years. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the senior doctor asked, 'How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?' 

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, 'A Premiership football coach?'

2) Portsmouth v Southampton

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in West Hampshire and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Southampton fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Saints fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Southampton fan', she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: 'Well if you're not a Saints fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I'm a Portsmouth fan, and proud of it', Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.

'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Pompey fan?'

'Because my mum and dad are from Portsmouth, and my mum is a Pompey fan and my dad is a Pompey fan, so I'm a Pompey fan too!'

'Well, 'said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that's no reason for you to be a Portsmouth fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and you dad was a drug dealer and car thief, what what you be then?'

'Then', Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Southampton fan.'

(Incidentally, Will is a life long Portsmouth Supporter.  Naturally you could amend the story to suit other rival clubs.)

3) Footballer transferred for 15 kg of sausage meat

A Romanian football team is apparently demanding a refund after having bought a player for a transfer fee of 15 kilos of pork sausages. Defender Marius Cioara retired a day later saying he could not face any more sausage related taunts at his expense. Cioara, who played for second division team UT Arad, was sold to fourth division Regal Hornia for the sausage meat.

After the deal a spokesman for Regal Hornia confirmed, 'We gave up the team's sausage allowance for a week to secure him, but we are confident it will be worth it. 'However, a day after the deal was leaked to the media, Cioara announced he was giving up football and had decided to flee the country.

Ananova the News agency reports that he said, 'The sausage taunts all got too much. They were joking but I would have got more from the Germans and making sausage jokes was a huge insult. I have decided to go to Spain where I have got a job on a farm.'

4) Ridiculous?  A record that will never be beaten?

Hired and fired in ten minutes

Ex-soccer star Leroy Rosenior was appointed boss of a struggling club - then sacked after ten minutes. The former West Ham and Fulham striker broke the record for English football's shortest managerial reign after being introduced with a fanfare by Torquay United, reports The Sun.

Sports journalists were summoned to a press conference which finished at 3.30pm. Then - at 3.40pm - Leroy was told by the chairman that the Devon club had been sold to a business consortium. And that meant he was out. Leroy, 43 said, 'For it to happen ten minutes after I finished the press conference was a bit of a shock. But we had a good laugh about it afterwards.' Leroy smashed the previous record for the shortest time as manager - Dave [Harry] Bassett's 72 hours at Crystal Palace in 1984.

He joked, 'Obviously they thought I had done a fantastic job after ten minutes and let me go.'  The post was Leroy's second stint at Torquay, who will face next season in the Conference after finishing bottom of the Football League. He was boss between 2002 and 2006 when he left by mutual consent. Since then the club has been in a managerial crisis, with four different bosses in the hot seat. Leroy added, 'I wish them the very best of luck. They are going to sort me out a bit of compensation.'

5) Lovely generous gesture from Birmingham City's star soccer player

French international footballer, Olivier Kapo,[full name: Narcisse-Olivier Kapo-Obou ] gave an apprentice player his car to thank him for polishing his boots throughout the season Will and Guy have discovered.

The Birmingham City player gave the lad, James McPike, his Mercedes worth £30,000 [almost $60,000 USD] as an end-of-season present. He also agreed to pay for a year's insurance when James, 20, said he was unable to afford it

The French midfielder, who is originally from the Ivory Coast in Africa, earns almost £1.5million [$3million USD] a year.

We heard that all James had asked for was Olivier's boots as a souvenir but he ended up with his car. What a magnificent present.

6) Take His Name Referee

An Italian football team has been founded by former *Serie A player, Maurizio De Feo. Their claim to fame so far has not been on the football pitch.

The club's founder, coach, secretary, doctor and all 12 sponsors of the "Team De Feo" club, in Serino, southern Italy, have the same name: De Feo. Everyone in the playing squad also has the same name: De Feo. Their home ground can be found on.................wait for it: Raffaele De Feo street in the town.

Will and Guy think that you couldn't make it up. We also wonder if a team named "Jones" might be established in Guy's home country of Wales.

*Italian Football Association Premier Division.

7) Football History - First Football Story

Dr Maria Hayward, an expert at Southampton University, has discovered that Henry VIII - the Tudor King who had six wives, owned a pair of football boots.

These shoes, costing four shillings [approximately £100 in today's money] were made by his personal shoemaker, Cornelius Johnson, in 1525.

Dr Hayward found them in a list of the king's clothes made when he died in 1547.

Sadly we don't know what the football boots looked like so we cannot compare them with those worn by David Beckham or Ronaldo. However, it is not likely they were anything like the boots worn today. Historians think they were probably heavier than the normal shoes of the time and made of especially strong leather.

They needed to be strong because football during the 16th century, when Henry VIII was king, was a very tough game. 'Football in Tudor times was a very vicious game, with no teams and no rules, so it was not a game for gentlemen, 'comments Dr Hayward. According to a Tudor writer called Sir Thomas Elyot, it was a game of 'beastly fury and extreme violence'.

It is known that it was especially popular on Shrove Tuesday (Pancake Day) and Henry VIII even tried to ban the game because it so often led to riots and violence.

Behaviour generally, it appears, has improved over the ages!

P.S. Please write to Will and Guy if you have any funny football stories

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A variety of good, clean and free football (soccer) jokes.  Funny sportsman's nicknames.  Amusing short stories.  Anecdotes and tales about football.  Will and Guy hope that you share our joy of sporting funnies.